THERE are some characters in Soapland whom we would lock up and cheerfully throw away the key.

Les Battersby is at the top of the list. Unfortunately, he's out. Having served his time for bashing Janice's bent copper boyfriend, Battersby the batterer is a free man and gagging for revenge in Coronation Street (ITV1).

The objects of his rage are police person Emma and her dozy house husband Curly. Emma, yet another bent copper, lied in court to help send Les down (the further the better, as far as we're concerned).

Now they're fleeing the country - or the soap equivalent, she's got a transfer to Newcastle. The best Les can come up with is trying to sabotage their attempts to sell their house. If he's not careful they'll get the House Doctor or Laurence Llewelyn Whatsits in to work their magic and transform their hovel into Weatherfield's most desirable des res.

Who'd want to buy the house anyway with the sound of Steve and Karen arguing day and night. After all he's done for her, two-faced Karen is insisting that husband Steve must live elsewhere.

Nowhere will be far enough not to hear her screeching.

Housing problems too for schoolgirl mother Sarah. Her own mum, Gail the hamster, is getting her whiskers in a twitch about her daughter's behaviour. The end result is that Sarah packs her satchel, and moves in with boyfriend Todd, the lad who turned down university to be with her. Stupid, or what?

Silly Billy Mitchell may need to do a runner from Albert Square in EastEnders (BBC1) once father-in-law Charlie Slater discovers that the money he put into Billy's latest money-making venture has been lost. He'd have done better to buy shares in a fake tan company as daughter Kat's complexion indicates she slaps it all over day and night. Judging by her permanent George Hamilton tan, she must buy it by the container-load.

Scheming minx Janine continues her plan to part Barry, the most boring man in soap, from his money. It's like taking candy from a baby. A bit of pouting, some cleavage and a flash of leg, and Barry is like putty in her greedy little hands. And Paul is just as bad, conspiring with her to get his share of the Evans lolly.

Alfie gives Nana Moon a night to remember which will be difficult as she appears to be totally doolally and incapable of remembering her name let alone anything else.

And the wedding is far from a happy family occasion for Dan the Elvis impersonator, who learns a few home truths and we might learn the secret of the wife he claims is dead but we know has become a famous cook called Madhur Jaffrey.

Several residents of Emmerdale (ITV1) have something to celebrate. Viv wins a Caribbean cruise in a competition, and Viv being Viv feels no guilt at stealing Laurel's prize-winning slogan. Laurel's too busy to notice - she's become the new face of Shift bleach. It's a dirty job but someone's got to do it.

Chris makes life troublesome for Scott, the mechanic who got pregnant Chris's schizophrenic, drug addict, arsonist, lesbian vet sister Zoe.

He makes matters worse by heading for Home Farm where Chris will probably be waiting with a loaded bottle of Shift bleach.

Chris himself has a secret - he's hiding his health worries from wife Charity, the woman who gave away her daughter but now has her back. As we know that Chris is soon to depart from Soapland, the only question is whether whatever disease he has is fatal?