Witness: Maidens Of The Lost Ark (C4)

THE residents of Number 18 Albany Road, Bedford, are blissfully unaware that they may be evicted to make room for the property's intended occupant - Jesus.

The house, nicknamed The Ark, has been refurbished with new carpets, curtains and a shower, although those responsible for the refit aren't certain the new tenant will need it. "He will have a radiant body so I don't think he will," said Ruth Klein.

Those currently living there will be surprised to learn all this. "Little do they know, and little have we told them, what a special house it is," she said, adding. "They're on two months notice."

She admitted that the Second Coming is later than anticipated. She was expecting the Apocalypse and the Lord's return around the turn of the century as there were so many quotations for the year 2000. "I did expect him to come actually. I'll just plod on until he does," she said.

Once I mention that Bedford was the original site of the Garden of Eden, you'll probably begin to think this all this sounds a bit like a Monty Python show. In fact, the Witness documentary did include a sketch from that very show mentioning Joanna Southcott's box, which plays a key role in the beliefs of Ruth Klein and her fellow Panaceans.

The story of the Panacea Society stretches back 200 years and includes a virgin birth, a miracle cure and a Utopia in Bedford. This marked the first time the secret religious society had allowed in cameras.

The society began just after the First World War, when Mabel Baltrop became obsessed by the writings of 18th century mystic Joanna Woolcott. She changed her name to Octavia, declared herself a prophetess and started a new religion, the Panacea Society, with the aim of founding a new Jerusalem in Bedford. The society attracted mainly middle class women, either widows or spinsters. Thanks to legacies and property deals, it's now worth £30m.

The documentary-makers presented this mind-boggling story in a straight-faced manner, resisting (though goodness knows how) the temptation to take the mickey out of people and ideas that, to a good many viewers, must have appeared insane.

But they failed to see Joanna Woolcott's mysterious box of prophecies, which will save the world when the Apocalypse comes. This is kept at a secret address and can only be opened in the presence of 24 Church of England bishops.

This is no more ludicrous than the virgin birth. In 1814, the then 64-year-old Joanna announced she was going to give birth to the new messiah. This is something you expect in the increasingly outlandish but unmissable Bad Girls, but not in real life.

Seventeen of the 21 doctors, including a royal physician, who examined her confirmed the pregnancy. Eventually, she gave birth - spiritually rather than physically. Followers believe that the "baby" was reincarnated as Octavia.

Panaceans say Bedford will be a safe zone when the Apocalypse strikes. Just to make certain, a circle of sacred linen squares has been put down in a 12-mile radius around the town. These holy squares come from rolls of cloth breathed on by Octavia. They're also used to make divine water - just add one square to a jug of tap water - which has special healing powers.

Klein, chairperson of the society, told us: "Of course, I only drink divine water. I don't drink bottled water." If I told the stories she does, people would say I'd been drinking something stronger than water.