Baby crazy

Daft Garry thinks the baby is his, the result of a drunken fumble in an alley. Husband Ian reckons it can't be his because he's had a vasectomy.

And poor dim Ricky has no idea that he's in the running, despite commenting that baby Bobby looks the spitting image of his son when he was young.

Meanwhile Soapland is being soiled by the continuing hanky panky between Barry the most boring man in soap and scheming minx Janine.

Even her past career as a prostitute, when she learnt to grin and bare it, can't wipe the look of revulsion off her face every time Barry lays his dirty, porky fingers on her. We know she'll do anything for money, but bedding Barry is worse that having to watch another episode of that new Paul O'Grady comedy show. Happily, Paul rescues her from a dirty weekend with Barry.

Round at the Vic, Alfie is worried about Nana Moon's growing confusion. Her condition is understandable as Phil has moved into the pub as his psycho nanny has rented out his house in his absence. Finding Phil's Y-fronts hanging up in the bathroom drying could give poor Nana a heart attack.

There could be one less person living there soon as Kat's on the prowl again. The man who's stepped into the shoes of gangland boss Dalton (the one shot by Dirty Den the Second (keep up at the back there) takes a shine to Kat. At least her perma-tan means she glows in the dark, so he'll never lose her at night.

Pauline, who increasingly looks as though she's got the weight of the Square, if not the world, on her shoulders, finally snaps over the career choice of wayward son Martin, the tallest man in Soapland. Growing pot in the shed on her Arfur's beloved allotment is not what she had in mind when she told her son to cultivate his interests.

Watch out there's a mad hamster on the loose in Coronation Street (ITV1). King Kong has nothing on Gail the hamster in a bad mood. After little Bethany's accident with the faulty wiring, she reports schoolgirl daughter Sarah to social services. Audrey is shocked, or as shocked as she dare be without disturbing her make-up.

Janice, a woman who changes her mind as often as her hair colour, doesn't know what to do about her relationship with Mick the bent policeman who framed her estranged husband. Can she stay with him after discovering he's lied to her? Well, she remained married to layabout Les and his criminal inclinations for years, so what's to stop her sharing her bed with a corrupt copper?

Round at the cafe, marital discord is today's special. Hayley, who used to be Harold, comes to the conclusion that husband Roy's behaviour (ie going to bed with Tracy) leaves her no alternative but to end their marriage. As she packs her bags for a trip abroad, Roy leaves a note and counts out a line of pills. And I don't think he's just got a headache.

Emily, the last person you'd think would have anything to do with Tracy Preston, alias the good time that was had by all, but she's lending a sympathetic ear to her woes. She even persuades her to make it up with her mother dreary Deirdre and Ken. But Tracy conveniently forgets to mention she's pregnant.

The lure of life on the open road beckons for Rodney in Emmerdale (ITV1) after a night of passion with Junita when the fair comes to town. So much for him not being pleased that Pollard has used the land he sold him to house a fairground.

Ashley the vicar and soppy Laurel sign up for speed dating. So does Louise, who certainly gets through men faster than most. Romance too for Elaine and Robert at a 70s party - that's a party with a 1970s theme, not a party for pensioners.

The dangerous liaisons of Charity and Cain continue to cause problems. Louise has to lie for her, while Lisa warns him not to mess things up for Debbie the daughter that Charity gave away but has now reclaimed.

Published: 21/08/2003