THE sound of wedding bells could be heard in Soapland soon - as the happy couples beat each other around the head with them.

In Coronation Street (ITV1), Mick the bent copper is down on one knee, a position which ensures he can't follow his usual practice of kicking the living daylights out of innocent people.

He proposes to Janice Battersby, not that she should stop dyeing her hair a different colour each episode but that she should marry him. You'd think anything would be better than being wed to Les, but then Janice is only just finding out that Mick's temper is as unpredictable as her hair colour.

A nasty situation for Candice too, whose dislike of her mother's boyfriend leads her into conflict with hairdresser Audrey. Surely Audrey should be too concerned about happenings Chez Gail the hamster's to worry about silly Candice.

Gail is in her most extreme "I'm your mother, I'm right" mood. Perhaps someone forgot to clean out her cage. Anyway, she's angry that schoolgirl mum Sarah wants to be ex-schoolgirl mum Sarah and quit studying. Gail phones social services straight away, something she's doing as often as other people order a Chinese takeaway.

Money, or more particularly lack of it, is Eileen's problem. Now it looks like she's gone and stolen from her taxicab employers, although we all know it was that horrible ex-partner of hers.

Phil and his Geordie bride Kate, the former undercover manicurist, prepare to walk down the aisle. Or lurch down the aisle in Phil's case in EastEnders (BBC1).

The happy occasion is somewhat blighted by the surprise guest who catches the bride's bouquet. Yes, Lisa the woman who shot Phil is back and she has another loaded weapon - a new hairstyle. We must assume that her return to the Square, following Phil snatching their daughter, is not to meet up with old chums over a friendly drink in the Vic.

Kat Slater, whose skirts get shorter as her tan gets deeper, continues to become chummy with gangster Andy. But she's unimpressed by the diamond ring he gives her. Presumably, she wanted matching ear-rings, necklace and bracelet.

Zoe, who thought she was Zoe's sister but turned out to be her daughter, gets cold feet when Ronny tries to get her into bed. She could try tucking them under the duvet to warm them up.

Long-suffering (he has to be to live with misery guts Pauline Fowler) Derek lies in court to protect her darling son Martin's pot-growing activities. Once again Pauline fails to see through the devious lies of her son, the tallest man in Soapland. He needs cutting down to size.

Chris Tate is dying from a brain tumour in Emmerdale (ITV1), but already seems to have lost his mind. He's waiting at home with a shotgun, ready to confront straying wife Charity over her affair with Cain, father of the child she gave away but has now reclaimed like a piece of left luggage.

Len's feeling frisky but Edna rejects his advances, so it's back to the muck-spreading for him. And Ashley the vicar without a plotline is worried that he can't remember what happened the night before - which is the best thing that could happen considering it involved a woman.