IF there's one thing I never expected to see in Coronation Street (ITV1), it was the sight of Jack and Vera Duckworth stoned out of their heads.

Adultery, bent coppers, betrayal, witness protection families, date rape and Betty's hotpot, I can take. But Jack and Vera in Weatherfield's version of Trainspotting is a storyline too far.

The Duckworths' mindbending experience occurs when Maz invites them to the allotment, a social occasion that's the Street equivalent of being invited to a Buckingham Palace garden party. They enjoy her hospitality, unaware that her muffins contain a secret ingredient that's not strictly legal and doesn't feature in Delia Smith's recipe books.

It's becoming increasingly worrying that allotments in Soapland are being used to grow not fruit and veg,but illegal substances. First Martin Fowler in EastEnders and now this. We must pray that Betty doesn't decided to put the pot in her hotpot.

Bigamous Peter Barlow is still hopping between his wife Shelley and his other wife Lucy and their baby. When does he find any time to do any work? He's worried that Lucy is trying to freeze him out of his son's life (which, quite honestly, would be no bad thing considering his father's less-than-honest behaviour).

Eileen's money troubles multiply when her rat of an ex-lover Tony helps himself to the takings at Streetcars, leaving Eileen to carry the can - just as the loan sharks close in on her.

They haven't been married five minutes and already Kate, the Geordie former undercover manicurist, is telling Phil he's being unreasonable in EastEnders (BBC1). What took her so long to discover this rather obvious facet of the Mitchell brother's character? When Little Mo is found a well-paid cleaning job by Andy the gangster, sister Kat suspects that the crook is using her family to gain her affection. She doesn't usually play this hard to get, and eventually gives in to handy Andy's request for a date anyway.

Sonia witnesses a road accident and has to put her medical training to use. She needs all the practice she can get, considering how violent Soapland is becoming. Hardly a week goes by without a shooting or a beating. Whether Sonia can doing anything for injured cats, I don't know, but Shirley fears that Gavin has murdered her pussy.

A resident nurse is just what the Square needs, especially as Alfie is forced to call in the medical services when Nana's behaviour gets even odder. Robert is still caught in the middle of Elaine and Donna in Emmerdale (ITV1) which, for a randy young man, is not an altogether unpleasant place to be trapped.

The feeling that everyone in Soapland is thinking along the same lines is reinforced when Rodney is forced to go to a loan shark for cash (though, hopefully, not the same one that Eileen went to in Coronation Street) after getting carried away at a stately home auction. So much for his attempt to enter the luxury property market.

Career problems for Bob's brother Eddie, who has resorted to desperate measures to meet his sales targets. Ashley the vicar and Louise the barmaid arrange a talent contest - and the prize is a year's contract to appear in a TV soap set in Yorkshire. Only joking.

Published: 05/09/2003