THOUGH the populace is still a bit over-enamoured of the virgin fisherman from Big Brother, the Orkney Islands proved wholly delightful last week.

Many of the islands' mysteries are Anglo-Saxon. No one seemed to wonder why The Orcadian, the weekly newspaper where Darlington-born Stuart Laundy is now head lad, should be published from offices called Hell's Half Acre.

Stuart couldn't explain it, but the lady of this house at once supposed that Hell's Half Acre was where legendary American outlaw Jesse James was buried. Jesse James - not to be confused with a right Jessie, that was Harold Steptoe - was a Baptist minister's son who became the most celebrated Missourian after Harry S Truman.

His gang robbed banks then trains and killed those who got in their way. That more didn't die was because they were lousy shots.

Despite his big time villainy, however, James became a Robin Hood figure, said to befriend the poor and to be kind to his old mum. With a $10,000 bounty in the offing, he was shot in the back of the head by Bob Carr - a member of his own gang - while climbing on a chair to straighten a picture at his home. It was 1882 and he had been at large for 16 years.

Examination many years later of his exhumed skull suggested either that Jesse was given to eating sweets - biting the bullets, as a Geordie might say - or to gritting his teeth.

We are unable, however, to disinter anything about his burial ground. Half-cock or half acre, it is now for others to dig deep.

AT the White Swan in Stokesley last week, quiz master Eric Smallwood was teasing them with one about Olympic oarsman Matthew Pinsent - "He has the largest recorded what in the UK?" Answer at the foot of the column.

HOMEWARD on Saturday night, the column sat down at Ferryhill Methodist Church for what may still be called a knife and fork supper - principal ingredients ham and pease pudding - and thereafter to address the faithful.

They were a terrific bunch, committed only last week to a £175,000 redevelopment of church and meeting rooms, which will take them confidently into the 21st century.

John Bower, minister for the past year - Ferryhill is one of his eight churches, from Byers Green to Wolviston - helpfully explained that a medical problem meant he suffered a reaction to white flour and was therefore a bit uncertain about the pudding which followed.

"If I fall asleep during your talk," he added, "it's not you, it's the gateau."

Biblically watchful, the minister stayed awake throughout.

THE great sadness upon returning was to learn of the passing of Steve Molloy, a good friend to many but especially to George Reynolds, now chairman of Darlington FC.

The most genial, gentle and generous of Irishmen, Big Steve worked for George when neither of them had owt - "more than 30 years ago, we began delivering laminate off-cuts together" George recalls - and remained loyal and industrious throughout.

"Visited me every day for nine months when I was on remand," says George.

He'd long been in Shildon, where last Friday, his coffin was carried into the parish church to the tearful strains of Danny Boy. "There honestly wasn't a dry eye in the church," says George's wife, Susan.

Steve had often been unwell, but rarely downcast. He lost one leg, then the other, prompting the Rev Raymond Cuthbertson to recall his first words on coming round from the second operation.

"Beejayzus, it's the first time I've been legless and never had a drink."

It brought the house down, says Susan.

Frequently with the marvellous Marjorie, once a familiar club singer under the stage name Sonya Fields, 65-year-old Steve was almost a fixture in one corner of the Timothy Hackworth - and had ensured there'd be enough money behind the bar after he'd gone.

"It was a proper, old fashioned wake," says George. "Steve went the way he would have wanted."

ALL along the East Coast main line, London to Inverness, GNER has posted notices announcing the "main benefits" of the new autumn timetable, effective from September 28.

These, in their entirety, appear to be a 15 minutes later start for the morning train from Skipton to Kings Cross and an additional Friday night stop at Morpeth. There's also quite a lot about replacement bus services north of Newcastle, but it's unclear if GNER regards that as a benefit or not.

RECENT columns have had an eye out for I-Spy books. "Fantastic little things," writes Bob Jones. "I remember a trip to London as an 11-year-old. My copy of I-Spy in London was invaluable."

It's a pity, he muses, that there's no such volume on Darlington's hidden treasures - now there's an idea - not least because the town's Heritage Weekend begins on Friday.

Bob's own favourite, open all weekend, is the United Reformed Church on Northgate - "dragon, heads of Knox and Calvin, lots of smaller features of interest."

The church also marks the occasion with a flower festival from Friday to Monday, refreshments and live music - organ and orchestra - each day and a harvest festival on Sunday. There's also - "for the I-Spyers within us all," says Bob, a church elder - a mystery tour and quiz.

The observant may also have spotted a free plug, to which the URC is most cordially welcome.

LIKE a lot of other Englishmen, Reg Smith reads the Sunday Post. Probably something to do with Oor Wullie.

Six weeks ago, Reg, who's 80 and lives in Darlington, also answered an ad for the sort of address labels which folk stick atop their correspondence. They cost £7.95. Though his cheque had been cleared, there was nothing in the post.

Reg rang the Sunday Post, who supplied a number for the advertiser. "They take a little time," said the advertiser, "they're printed in Australia."

Though he could be up a gum tree, Reg isn't labelling them yet. "It's unbelievable to send 12,000 miles for a few address labels," he says. "I'm expecting kangaroo post any day."

...and finally, one of the newspapers perused whilst on holiday devoted 1,100 unequivocally enthusiastic words to the Rt Rev Tom Wright, the incoming Bishop of Durham.

"One of the most unassuming gentlemen I've ever met...listening to Tom Wright lecture and answer questions was a sheer delight," the columnist declared.

His enthronement in Durham Cathedral still almost a month away, Bishop Tom - as he will prefer to be known - has had little chance to make an impression between Tyne and Tees.

Clearly, however, he has a big admirer on the Stornaway Gazette.

BACK over the border, the column returns to its little half acre next week - and it's Matthew Pinsent's eight-and-a-half litre lung capacity which, had anyone supposed otherwise, is biggest of them all.

Published: 10/09/2003