Nurse Martin Platt will be asking if there's a doctor in the house after fists fly in Coronation Street (ITV1) when his secret affair with schoolgirl Katy Harris is finally revealed.

He and Katy, who's young enough to be his daughter (and knowing the devious minds of Soapland writers, we probably shouldn't rule that out just yet), have been meeting in secret for fear of what her fiery father Tommy the Terrible would do if he found out his precious daughter was having s-e-x with a man old enough to be, well, her father. The psychological implications are horrendous.

Martin and Katy decide to tell her parents. These are the ones, you will remember, who were formerly in the witness protection programme - although it's Martin who needs protecting now. Tommy, doing his best impression of Robert De Niro in Raging Bull, starts thumping Martin in the back garden (a very nasty place to be hit) and, despite Katy's attempts to calm down matters by hitting her dad over the head with a saucepan, Martin ends up battered and bruised. What's more, Katy's mum, Angela, is furious that her best pan has been used so recklessly.

Tommy and Angela might do better to mount a search for their young son, who seems to have gone missing. He was last seen winning Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes, impersonating Will Young.

If you see Peter Two Wives Barlow don't try to cheer him up by telling any mother-in-law jokes. He's facing a double-barrelled attack from the two Mrs Barlows, Shell and Loose. Even his father Ken throws him out of the house.

Over in Albert Square there is much talk of Dirty Den coming back from the dead, while Lisa has target practice before taking potshots at Phil in EastEnders (BBC1). Mind you, she might be too late - he's getting redder in the face by the minute (or perhaps my set needs adjusting) and looks like he might explode of his own accord.

As well as the non-musical version of Lisa Gets Her Gun, we find the Watts relatives in a right pickle about Dirty Den the Second's news that Dirty Den the First is alive and well and living in Spain, not pushing up daffodils at the bottom of Walford canal as everyone thought.

Sharon is distraught, her lips quivering at double the usual rate. Vicki, who's just returned from the States, goes missing - for which we should all get down on our knees and give thanks. Trouble is, I have a feeling she may be back.

Dan's daft friend Shirley just can't take a hint. We want her to go. We're not interested in her perishing dead moggy, and the upstairs neighbours can play their music as loud as they want. Anything to drive her, and her boring storyline, out of Walford.

The police make an arrest in Emmerdale (ITV1) following the death at Home Farm. Just in case everyone is a bit depressed, new light relief arrives at the Dingles by the name of Chastity.

Ashley the vicar is worried about Zoe, who's still a lesbian single mother but hopefully cured of her alcoholism, drug addiction, arsonist tendencies and schizophrenia. Then again, perhaps not. She's stopped taking the tablets and the vicar is concerned, presumably in case she burns down the church again.

While Trish is away making a Bollywood musical in India (which is as convincing as finding out Dirty Den isn't dead), Marlon is feeling terribly guilty after a drunken night of passion. He can console himself that, unlike Zoe who similarly gave in to lust under the influence of alcohol, he can't get pregnant - although it would be a Soapland first.