For and ever, 'til death do us part

Posh and Becks' marriage is rock solid - or so we thought. When they're apart, they phone each other every day. In public they dress in co-ordinating outfits and in private, he even wears her knickers. When rumours of a rift appeared in the press, it was an enormous surprise, but they've denied their relationship is in trouble and are making an effort to spend time with each other.

So what is it that enables one couple to make their marriage work when others can't seem to stop it falling apart?

The statistics are alarming. Four out of ten UK marriages end in divorce and second marriages are almost twice as likely to break down. The idea that you can learn from your mistakes and get it right second time around is not borne out by the facts.

"When someone goes through the breakdown of a marriage or committed relationship, people tend to think that they can learn from their mistakes but that just isn't true. Each relationship is unique," says relationship counsellor Julia Cole.

As a trained couples counsellor and psychosexual therapist, she runs her own private practice and is currently agony aunt on the Sunday Express. Her latest book, How to Stay Together Forever, has just been published.

Drawing on Julia's experience as a therapist and writer on all aspects of sex and relationship problems, it looks at the difficulties commonly faced by couples and offers practical ideas for overcoming them.

"People often say to me that couples don't work hard enough at their marriage, they take divorce too easily, but I don't agree with that. I think that for most people, it's desperately hard and they don't want to go through it," she says.

"If they married or moved in together, they really thought this was it and had every intention of staying with this person. They often regret divorcing."

There is a common misconception that it is easier to break up if you are not married but, says Julia, that is simply not true. Couples who live together are often just as committed as their married counterparts.

How to Stay Together Forever is divided into ten chapters, each dealing with a separate issue. Among the issues tackled are improving communication, handling arguments, finding time for each other and sharing feelings, hopes and dreams. There are also quizzes and checklists.

"My aim was for it to be a friendly book," says Julia. "You can say to yourself, 'We used to do that' or 'That's a good idea'. The purpose is serious but it's something where you can have fun together at the same time."

Research recently carried out in America showed that couples who remember the early stages of their relationship are more likely to stay together than those who don't.

Julia says: "If you can say, 'Do you remember when we did this?' or 'That's where we had our first kiss', it can really help. It's about cultivating and stimulating your relationship and remembering why you got together in the first place.

"It also gives you a sense of perspective. You will be able to see that although you've had hard times, you've had good times too and you've seen them through together. The couple who don't have any perspective will probably treat each problem as if it's out of the blue and don't have the skills or strategies to deal with it."

Julia, who has been a counsellor for 18 years, would encourage couples to make an emotional investment for the future. If they think about what they want together and see each other as a team rather than just two individuals living together, they are more likely to stay together.

In the past, couples tended to marry young and stay together no matter what, but there has been an enormous social upheaval over the last 50 years. Women are putting their careers first and marrying later. They're coming into marriage as equal partners with their husbands, and this can cause problems.

Julia says: "I think there are different challenges for this generation. Our parents and grandparents had what we would describe as niches. Men were expected to go out to work while women stayed at home and looked after the family.

"Now we have a situation where those kind of roles have been eroded and, for the most part, a man or woman can do what ever job they like, and a lot of men stay at home and look after the children.

"That's wonderful but its also means that at a start of a relationship, people have to negotiate their roles. That means not just being romantic about it but also thinking about the practical things like who's going to look after the children or clean the loo."

But no matter how difficult things become, Julia believes couples can work it out if they communicate with each other. Sulking or having long silences may make you feel better but you need to talk if you're going to make things last.

"If you're going to have a good relationship, you have to have really good communication and negotiation skills. Some couples don't think they have those resources, but they do and they just have to learn how to use them."