Food for thought for foolish mothers

Let them realise - at a supremely vital moment - that they have run out of loo roll. It might remind them to get the shopping in.

Foolish mothers, anxious to know that their student children are eating healthily, are apparently doing their shopping for them - ordering via the Internet bags full of healthy, nutritious produce, paying for it, and getting it delivered to their student's term time home.

All the little darlings have to do is open the front door to the man from Tesco or Sainsburys.

These aren't occasional treats - a birthday cake or a bit of cheering up on a bad day, a bit of love for a homesick student - no, this is the nitty gritty of everyday life that we all have to learn to deal with. Are these mothers mad? Have they no common sense or nothing better to do? Do they want their children to stay babies for ever?

University is not just about a degree, it's about much more. It's about learning to look after yourself, to get the shopping in, to cook some basic meals. It's about learning that unless you have the odd apple or glass of orange juice, you come out in spots and you feel lousy.

Yes, you know it perfectly well, your mother's been telling you all your life. But it's only when you actually experience it for yourself, that you really understand. Unlike at home, there is no fridge fairy to order an endless supply of fresh milk and bacon.

Shopping is a vital life skill. Choosing, budgeting, cooking - and remembering the washing up liquid and the bin bags as well - are all vital parts of growing up. As important as, maybe even more useful than, a degree.

And there's nothing like an empty fridge and a little light hunger to inspire a spurt of domesticity. Some mothers are apparently spending £50 a week on their children's food. Which, when you think about it, is an awful lot of bacon sandwiches and fresh orange juice.

But all that means is that these well-fed, idle students will now have an extra £50 a week to spend on booze - even if they have to go out and get it themselves.

Interestingly, most of the mothers quoted in the report were buying food for sons. Daughters seem much more capable. Many mothers are still buying their son's knickers when they're 40. At this rate, they'll be still getting their groceries too. And we wonder why men never grow up.

PITY poor IDS and the row about his wife's allowance for working for him. I always thought that was a regular perk of the job.

Certainly, most MPs I've known have done it. But only one was honest enough to call it "The Holiday Fund".

COFFEE makes men sexier. According to new research from Brazil (where else?) it perks them up no end, makes their sperm swim faster and so makes men more fertile.

Remember this next time you invite a chap in for coffee. Might be safer to carry on with the wine.

TELEVISION cook and countrywoman Clarissa Dickson Wright has filed for bankruptcy. Again. This is actually the third time. It gets easier, she says.

This time round, the catalyst was apparently uncertainty about whether a new programme would be commissioned.

She could, she said, have done some lucrative advertising work but refused. It would have been like taking 30 pieces of silver, she said.

Well, principles are fine and dandy - when you can afford them.

Let's hope that Clarissa's creditors, presumably still waiting in vain for their money, think so too.

PARENTS of murdered schoolgirl Milly Dowler have launched a new campaign encouraging parents to keep in touch with their children by text message. Brilliant. Text messaging is actually the ideal way for teenagers and their parents to communicate. It is fast, it is immediate. They can respond instantly. But best of all, it hides that weary nagging whine that mothers can't help falling into, as well as that petulant flouncing tone that adolescents do so well. As they read and click their reply, they can pretend to their mates that you're someone else.

You're not worried. They're not embarrassed.

For parents and teenagers, the perfect solution.

VIRGIN Trains are apparently planning to take our luggage from us and send it by road. A plan which does not inspire confidence among would-be passengers.

And yet...Whatever happened to Luggage in Advance?

When I first went abroad on my own, aged 14, I checked my heavy cases in at Cardiff railway station. Then, with only hand luggage, I caught a train to Paddington, skipped across to Victoria for the boat train, then unencumbered, onto the ferry from Dover to Ostend, before catching a train that went down through Belgium and finally arrived in Heidelberg. At Heidelberg station, I went along to the luggage office where my cases were waiting for me.

It was a brilliant system, can't have cost a lot - otherwise my parents wouldn't have paid for it for me - and I used it every time I went abroad until I graduated to a backpack and no idea of where I was going.

Now if Virgin could introduce that sort of service, we would all be keen to use it.

In the meantime, remember to keep a spare pair of knickers and a toothbrush in your hand luggage. And maybe you'd better wear a complete change of clothes as well. Just in case.

BOYS will be boys. And they like boys' own adventures too. A new publishing firm, Spitfire, is being set up to publish the sort of books boys like - straightforward adventure stories with lots of fights and aggression, duty and honour, and the right side winning.

All jolly good - boys need all the decent role models they can get. But there's no need to wait for the new imprint. Biggles, for instance, still flies supreme - Amazon have 335 Biggles titles on their website.

Then there are Jennings and Derbyshire, and William and the Outlaws.

What's missing are all those comics that were packed full of adventure stories - cowboys, soldiers, space warriors, spies on secret missions - all of them terribly bold and brave and dripping with decency.

Now the few comics for older boys are all about football. Not much about decency and honour there any more.

GRAPHOLOGISTS, with all their training and wisdom, have looked at a letter written by Mary Queen of Scots a few hours before she was executed and deduced that she wasn't happy. Well, yes.