THE law in Soapland states that no single man or woman is allowed to remain in that solitary state for long.

Having respected a decent period of mourning for wife Maxine, a victim of serial killer Richard, squeaky-voiced widower Ashley can now rejoin the social scene.

Anyone watching Coronation Street (ITV1) has known for months that it was only a matter of time before he was snogging child minder Claire.

But he tells Fred, I say, he tells Fred, that there's nothing between them. Face facts, Ashley, it's going to happen sooner or later. You might as well give in now.

A man who knows about romance - and two-timing - is Two Wives Barlow, who strolls back into Weatherfield to face the wrath of Mrs Barlow No 1 and Mrs Barlow No 2.

Luce is still determined to make him pay, but Shell, the stupid girl, is having second thoughts. Surely she won't take him back.

There must be something in the water because even Les Battersby gets lucky in love on his first date with Trudy, a girl who's clearly desperate if she's going out with layabout Les.

Happy birthday, Sharon of EastEnders (BBC1) - we won't ask your age or how you manage to maintain your lips in a permanent pout.

But another law in Soapland is that birthdays/weddings/funerals (delete where applicable) never go according to plan.

Revamped Lisa continues to play out Walford's version of the new Quentin Tarantino film. Hers is called Kill Phil. Now she wants Dirty Den to help her dispose of the Mitchell bully boy and father of her child. She keeps it in the family by snogging Den's son Dennis after getting tipsy in Angie's Den (which is a club not another Den).

Kat Slater proves that she's not the most intelligent woman in Albert Square by waking up to the fact that fiance Andy is a gangster.

What did she think he does for a living - sell Encyclopaedia Britannica door-to-door? This man has villain imprinted across his forehead, something Kat would see if all the mascara she wears didn't obscure her view.

Elsewhere, Dot and Jim share a bed for the first time which, as far as most people are concerned, is far too much information. We don't care, just as we are totally uninterested that Shirley (the woman with the dead moggy and neighbour from hell) is still having problems with Gavin.

First the good news in Emmerdale (ITV1) - Terry and Dawn's baby isn't deaf. Now the bad news - Terry has a heart attack. Thus another law of Soapland is obeyed, that a happy event is always blighted by a bad event.

Ashley the vicar gets hot under the dog collar over Louise, while Zak and Lisa remain at odds with each other.

The situation is resolved when he gets arrested.

He may well be joined in the cells by young Robert, who is understandably alarmed when injured Elaine has a flashback to their car accident. It can't be long before she realises that Robert was driving and has set her up to avoid prosecution.

Published: 17/10/2003