IN the light of Rio Ferdinand failing to turn up for a drugs test it has been suggested that the only drug which could enhance a footballer's performance is Viagra.

The revelations pouring forth since the recent allegation of gang rape suggest it is not unusual for footballers to indulge in group sex. This reminds me of a story doing the rounds last season about a North-East player who prepared himself for a threesome the night before a match by taking Viagra. Unfortunately it was still working just prior to kick-off and he was struck from the team sheet.

Perhaps all the details will be revealed in someone's autobiography, for which football-crazed punters evidently have the same insatiable appetite as the Premiership gods have for proving that studs don't come only in boots.

I won't be delving beyond the dust covers myself, but among the life stories which have landed on the Northern Echo sports desk this week are those of a long-retired trio in Jimmy Greaves, Bob Wilson and Raich Carter.

Nothing too lurid there, I imagine, despite Greavsie's brush with alcoholism. But how long can it be before someone decides there's an extra million to be made from producing the full G-string-ripping, steamy, sordid revelations about life as a £50,000-a-week moron with his brains in his unmentionables?

The player won't be writing it himself, of course, but no doubt Max Clifford will be able to line up a willing ghost.

BECAUSE it's Rugby World Cup time, it has suddenly become fashionable to contrast the morals of football with those of the 15-a-side game.

This is nothing new, but it is now being suggested that if England win the World Cup - as well they might - rugby will cash in on football's sudden vulnerability and topple it from its towering pedestal in the popularity stakes.

This is tosh. There might be an influx of kids turning up for mini rugby on Sunday mornings, but most clubs have boasted of huge numbers doing this for years. Unfortunately, when they reach their mid-teens most of them discover girls and drink and rugby ceases to hold their attention.

Winning the World Cup won't alter that as long as we have a society which promotes the kind of Friday and Saturday nights which appal the older generation in all British towns these days.

Whether we call it the yob culture or downright debauchery, footballers are simply the highest-paid products of it, using their wealth to take it to extremes. Those mini rugby enthusiasts who reject this culture and continue to believe playing their sport is more fun are the ones who uphold the game's morals.

They're not all angels, by any means, and there may be some shenanigans in England's match against South Africa tomorrow. But I doubt very much whether there will be any of the nastiness which occurred in that Turkish tunnel.

APART from the result, the one consolation of the Turkey trauma is that it reassures us it's not just English footballers who behave badly.

Some believe that Arsene Wenger would rather sign overseas players for Arsenal because he believes they are better people, but Alpay emphatically destroyed that myth.

No doubt the European Court of Human Rights will prevent him from being deported, but if he plays again for Aston Villa it will depress me as much as the sight of Chelsea topping the table.

IF it's autumn, it's world matchplay time at Wentworth. I remember when it used to be the Piccadilly and all the great names were there, with Gary Player invariably triumphing. Nowadays we expect another South African, Ernie Els, to win partly because there's so little competition with the top Americans unattracted by the £1m bait.

Still, Ben whatsisname has turned up, aiming to prove his Open victory at Sandwich was no flash in the pan, even though it has so far been the only top ten finish of his career. Perhaps that's why he's here - he must have worked out that with the benefit of a bye in the first round, he's bound to finish in the top eight.

BRIAN Lara took the record for the highest Test score off Gary Sobers, now Matthew Hayden has usurped Lara. All are left-handers, something they share in common with almost half of those who batted in the top three in this year's World Cup.

Champions Australia had four left-handers in the top six, and now Dr Rob Brooks of the University of New South Wales and his eminent colleagues have concluded after several months' research it's all down to "negative frequency dependent effect."

Apparently, in its simplest form, this means left-handers have no inherent advantage but bowlers are less used to bowling to them. Well, whoever would have thought it?

Published: 17/10/2003