IN a week when an irregular heartbeat has generated ludicrously lavish media attention, the main point of interest is what sport will our Prime Minister take up in order to be seen to be looking after his ticker?

Shots of him next to elderly ladies on a rowing machine clad in his suit are mere vote-winners; what he needs is a work-out which will benefit his health and bring mass approval.

As a high-octane sport which wouldn't take up too much of our leader's valuable time, squash is the obvious answer. But is it cool?

Squash had its heyday 25 years ago, but it never lent itself to TV coverage, and if he confined his activity to scampering round a small, glass-backed court the PM would be seen as a boring old buffer.

He has played a bit of tennis, but could he find an opponent? Certainly not Cherie because she already has enough balls to juggle, especially after sacking her lifestyle guru.

Swimming would be ideal, but not if it involved bearing his torso in public; golf takes up too much time; jogging is old hat.

Then he has to beware of accusations of preferential treatment. With so many sports begging for a share of the meagre resources put into recreation by his government, he cannot be seen to be favouring one above all others.

So, he'll just have to play up front for a New Labour football team, competing in the Sunday Morning League down on Hackney Marshes.

Either that or take up a martial art. At least once he'd learnt to defend himself he should be able to knock a bit off the defence budget.

THERE was too much negativity surrounding England's win against South Africa in the Rugby World Cup. We expect the usual Pom-bashing from the Aussies - who devoted a whole broadsheet page to a picture of Jonny Wilkinson kicking a penalty under the headline Is That All You've Got? - but we don't need ex-players like Gareth Chilcott saying they weren't impressed.

The point was that, their superb defence apart, England played moderately but still won comfortably. What a shame that as they rise to their peak, they won't have the chance to thrash the Aussies, who will surely lose to New Zealand in the semi-finals.

I still maintain that only an injury to Wilkinson can stop England, largely because they have such vast experience. The value of this commodity was underlined by the fact that the newest members of the side, Josh Lewsey and Lewis Moody, were the weak links against South Africa.

Yet Moody redeemed himself with the charge-down which eased the tension by producing a try. Perhaps the fact that it was the game's only try prompted the negativity, and there can be no doubt that in terms of winning new converts the event will already have failed by the time it gets interesting in the semi-finals.

Lots of tries in one-sided matches, followed by defences dominating in close contests, is no recipe for winning over the doubters. But an England win in the final will do the game in this country no harm at all at a time when interest is declining.

DWAIN Chambers strikes me as a Linford Christie clone. Apart from a similarly unpleasant streak in his character, he has shoulders which seem unnecessarily muscular for a sprinter.

People used to doubt whether Christie's muscles could have been the product of training alone, so we are bound to look upon Chambers with the same suspicion.

He seems to lack the bottle to win major competitions and it's usually those with an inner weakness who look for strength elsewhere. Perhaps he looks no further than food supplements, and it's obviously time that athletes were strongly advised to avoid these if they are being contaminated by designer drugs.

A few years ago nandrolone was all the rage; now it's THG, which until recently was undetectable because there are always unscrupulous scientists trying to stay a step ahead of the testers.

In the wake of all the publicity surrounding Rio Ferdinand's failure to take a drugs test, the unveiling of widespread use of THG suggests there is no end to corruption in professional sport.

GOLF, thankfully, seems to remain squeaky clean. Ernie Els is so laid-back he gives the impression the only performance-enhancing substance he's on is Horlicks. You can't imagine him having an irregular heartbeat even over a four-foot putt to win the Open.

Personally I prefer the charisma surrounding an Arnie or a Seve, nor was I impressed in the world matchplay final when Els, five up with five to play, still required Thomas Bjorn to hole a two-foot putt.

Perhaps Els had a premonition because at the next hole he teed off second with Peter Allis observing: "He needs this for a half."

Bjorn's hole-in-one earned him a £37,000 Toyota, which he gave to his caddie. Ever wondered if you're in the wrong job?