PETER Two Wives Barlow begins to wish that the police had locked him up for bigamy as the three's company storyline in Coronation Street (ITV1) takes yet another twist.

The soap is providing ample reason why a man shouldn't be greedy and wed two women at once. Shell and Loose, the two Mrs Barlows, have been plotting revenge every since they discovered they were Mrs and Mrs.

Loose, who's turned into a bunny-boiler worthy of Fatal Attraction, has one final plan to make Peter pay by leaving the country with his son. Simon. The poor sap doesn't twig she's up to something, not even when Loose makes him tell Shell in the full glare of the Rovers customers that he's going abroad with her. It ends, predictably, in tears and Shell delivering a right hook to Peter's jaw that wouldn't disgrace a heavyweight boxing bout.

Romantic problems also bewitch, bother and bewilder the deeply unlikeable Les Battersby. Quite what Cilla sees in him is a mystery, unless she's kinky about men who've been tagged while on parole from prison. She calls it off after clashing with daughter Fiz again.

Tracy the pregnant harlot starts full-time at Streetcars, although street corners are more her style. It becomes clear that she's falling for Steve and his dancing eyebrows, although he's still blissfully unaware that he's the father of her baby.

Martin Fowler in EastEnders (BBC1) is, of course, the father of the child that Sonia was forced to give away. He's a thoroughly bad lot, which makes the idea of older and wiser Sonia falling into bed with him again totally unbelievable. It could only happen in Soapland, where reason and contraceptives are as rare as a vampire's steak dinner.

Another couple, Alfie and Kat, reach an understanding after the truth about Nana Moon's illness is revealed. Kat's gangster fiance Andy may not take news of their renewed friendship well.

A parting of the matrimonial ways beckons for another Slater sister when Lynne asks Garry for a divorce. But Barry, the most boring man in soap, wants to march down the aisle with gold-digger Janine. This woman will do anything for money. She's already tried prostitution, so the legal way - marriage - seems attractive even if it means having Barry as a husband.

Much coming and going in Emmerdale (ITV1) too. Paul leaves after discovering Siobhan's had an abortion and Gloria resigns to save her marriage.

Finally, Soapland bids farewell to Brookside (C4). The final week sees the return of bad boy Barry Grant and former gangster's moll Lindsay Corkhill who, in a mind-boggling turn of events, want to get married.

And, to ensure the Scouse soap ends with a bang, there's a murder in the Close - perhaps of the C4 commissioner who axed the series.

Published: 30/10/2003