Celebrity Wife Swap (C4); Royal Gardens (BBC2); ANYONE who felt Major Charles Ingram deserved being severely punished for cheating his way to the jackpot on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? would have rejoiced on hearing that he was being incarcerated with Big Brother's Jade Goody for a week.

Some would consider this a greater punishment than being sent to prison for life, especially as her pregnancy was making her more volatile and unpredictable.

The screaming match - not so much a match as a one-sided slagging off of the major by a fed-up Jade - was a long time coming in Celebrity Wife Swap. We'd already learnt that she and partner Jeff Brazier were very much in love but had terrible arguments. "Deep down I'd love someone else to get the grief I get," said Jeff.

Jade eventually let rip after finding life with the major in his Wiltshire home was all too much. She got her own back by making him play the board game version of Millionaire, only to have one of his children accuse him of cheating. "You looked at the answer," she said.

He maintained his innocence of that, just as he still did over his coughing fits on the TV quiz that resulted in the cheat label.

Charles had never heard of Jade before she moved in with him. Presumably, he was too busy cramming for Millionaire to watch her on Big Brother.

She discovered that Diana was expected to do everything around the house while the major... well, I never did work out exactly what he did.

Jade tried to change his image by dressing him in tracksuit and trainers. When her time came to make the rules, she made him do everything except take his three daughters to school. The major was not impressed with his new household duties.

In Essex, Diana Ingram was warming to TV presenter Jeff after moving into his and Jade's rented flat, although she disliked his constant references to her age. At 39, she's the same age as his mother. He bought her a trendier outfit and took her clubbing which, despite initial protests, she enjoyed. She declared that this Essex boy was very kind and considerate, although he watched too much telly.

This Celebrity Wife Swap was all a bit too civilized. We expect more fireworks from our swapping couples. It ended not with them arguing but with Jade and Jeff not on speaking terms.

Alan Titchmarsh is swapping stories about the history of gardening through the kings and queens who "invented" gardening as we know it. I liked the idea at Windsor Castle, where the areas under windows were cultivated so residents opened them and smelled the pleasant odours wafting up from the perfumed garden below.

But there was a feeling the makers were struggling to find fresh excuses for a gardening show. Whatever next? - Celebrity Big Brother in which six half-famous people are confined to the greenhouse for six weeks and only allowed to eat what they can grow?

Published: 12/11/2003