ANOTHER week, another wedding in Soapland, although the joining together in holy matrimony of Roy Cropper and Tracy Preston/Barlow in Coronation Street (ITV1) is one of the strangest in history.

The story so far goes something like this. Roy is married, but not legally, to Hayley, who used to be Harold before he had a sex change. While Hayley was away, Tracy put date rape drug in Roy's champagne and claims she had sex with him. Now she's pregnant and told Roy he's the father.

We know that the real dad is Steve Macdonald, who's divorced his wife Karen so they can get married again properly because they only wed the first time for a bet. As far as I know, Karen is neither pregnant nor a former man.

Roy and Hayley are giving Tracy large sums of money to buy the baby and raise it as their own. Wisely, they don't trust her and have decided the only way to ensure that Roy Junior comes to stay is for Roy to marry Tracy.

As the wedding day dawns, Roy realises the enormity of what he's about to do and promptly throws up - as anyone would do at the idea of a threesome with Roy, Hayley and Tracy.

Terrible Tommy gives wife Angela an ultimatum which results in her packing her bags and leaving. We must hope that he does likewise and neither of them are seen again.

Some familiar faces are lurking about too, not in Weatherfield but Blackpool. Jim Macdonald does a bunk from prison on learning that wife Liz has found another man in the seaside resort, where Bet Gilroy is also lurking around the promenade.

Kat and Alfie wake up together the morning after the wedding in EastEnders (BBC1), which is a bit confusing as Kat was supposed to be marrying Andy the gangster.

Shirley, having got rid of the neighbour from hell, wakes up to find Ash under her duvet. That's Ash Ferreira, not the fallout from smoking in bed. Hapless Garry is turning into the Casanova of Albert Square. Women are lining up to sleep with him. Laura and Lynne are joined by another Slater sister Belinda in bedding the garage mechanic. The smell of engine oil must be a real turn-on. Even more puzzling than Garry's sudden success with the opposite sex is the sight of arch enemies Dirty Den and Phil Mitchell teaming up to make some money. Romance is in the air in Emmerdale (ITV1) as Nicola asks Emily to set her up on a date with Kenny the bread man. But wires get crossed and she's fixed up with Simon the fish man. It all becomes a bit too much for new mum Dawn. She can't cope with a baby and a husband recovering in hospital from a stroke and breaks down.

Published: 13/11/2003