Bethany the baby goes missing in Coronation Street (ITV1). This is one of the prime hazards of growing up in Soapland.

If they're not being tugged this way and that by arguing parents, they're being kidnapped or mislaid or dropped.

It only seems five minutes since poor Bethany was electrocuted. Now she suffers a far worse fate - abducted by her grandmother. Not Gail the hamster, who's too busy on her wheel, but psycho-grannie Brenda.

Schoolgirl mum Sarah is only too happy to lend her child to Brenda when she wants a night out, but draws the line at letting her keep the child.

The day doesn't get any better for Sarah when she discovers she's pregnant. This girl has obviously never heard of taking precautions. People in Soapland have only to cross the road and they get pregnant. It must be something in the Weatherfield water. Either that, or the Rovers is very bad at keeping the Durex machine stocked up.

Still, at least one person is pleased with the news - Sarah's live-in lover, Todd. The poor confused lad's been worried about his sexuality since trying to lock lips with Nick (I'm too sexy for my shirt) Tilsley. Becoming a father will do his macho image no end of good. So would stopping trying to kiss lads, but that would be too simple.

Elsewhere, schoolboys Craig and David hatch a plan to split up nurse Mar-in and his schoolgirl lover Ka-ee.

Dennis Rickman, aka Dirty Den 2, wastes no time showing his neighbourly side in EastEnders (BBC1). With Phil Mitchell locked up behind bars - and not before time - he pops round to see Kate the manicurist, aka Mrs Mitchell, and not just to borrow a cup of sugar. The Mitchell empire, meanwhile, is being run by Sam, which is rather like letting George Bush run America.

Garry's attempt to juggle two women, Lynne and Laura, runs into difficulties when he catches nits (what an appropriate affliction for such a big nit) from a customer and passes them on to both his lovers. They'll be itching for a fight if they discover he's been two-timing them.

Alfie's worries that he can't give Kat the wedding she wants are nothing compared to the anguish when he discovers he's still married. The Christmas wedding might be off.

Ronnie Marsden gets his marching orders in Emmerdale (ITV1) after wife Frances discovers he's made a pass at his daughter-in-law Siobhan, one of the few women he hasn't touched up since his arrival.

Charity is back in court and refuses to plead guilty to murdering husband Chris. Her only hope is proving that Zoe the lesbian vet knows that Chris poisoned himself.

Marlon is still feeling guilty over sleeping with Charity (this girl is certainly very charitable towards the opposite sex), especially as he has both Charity and wife Tricia living under the same roof. You know what they say about three's company.

Published: ??/??/2003