Gadfly

Happily, the egregious old lad seems to have changed his tune.

While not yet choir of angels, the automaton has not only gained a suitably plum puddingy accent but a knowledge of poetry, too. As well as carols, the robot recites Henry Livingstone's evocative:

'Twas the night before Christmas when, all over the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

"He starts up on the hour and the half hour," reports Cornmill manager Albion Small, enthusiastically, though it was an altogether different piece of humbuggery about which we sought grist from the Cornmill.

BEFORE proceeding, however, the first of this week's grammatical notes. The paragraph above in which the first word is "While" had originally started with "Whilst."

Like "amidst" instead of "amid", it is a regrettable habit into which recently we have fallen - and roundly have been reprimanded as a result by a senior executive on the Daily Telegraph.

"It's completely wrong, used only by little girls in pigtails," e-mails Colin Randall who, since his fetchings up were in Shildon, may be excused his effrontery.

Almost certainly he is correct, but - apart from the sugar and spice and all things nice bit - we can't quite work out why.

More learned readers may be able to offer an explanation.

SUSAN Jaleel, one of these columns' most faithful correspondents, is a Methodist local preacher in the Darlington area, wife of a retired hospital consultant and thoroughly, admirably good egg.

Last week, watched by amazed shoppers, she was shown the door of the Cornmill Centre for trying to photograph the Christmas tree.

In town at dusk to get pictures of the High Row lights, Susan decided also to essay a couple of shots of the Cornmill decorations - "attractive, albeit unchanging year after year."

Entering from the Northgate end, she'd managed a few frames but, near the giant tree in the centre, was accosted by a security guard (aka Jobsworth) who insisted that photography was forbidden.

"The guard," says Susan, "was rude and disrespectful, offered no reasonable explanation as to why I was doing anything wrong and was dismissive of my request to see the manager."

Instead, he told her that if she was going to "get stroppy" he would see her off the premises, and did.

Hardly surprisingly, Susan found the incident "upsetting and embarrassing". Back home, she rang Mr Small, who explained that company policy banned photographs of shop fronts - although there are no notices to that effect.

Mr Small tells Gadfly that they are acting on behalf of their tenants, who are "a bit jealous" of their shop fronts and wary of imitation.

"Photographing the Christmas tree was quite all right so far as I was concerned. Unfortunately, from the lady's point of view, she was escorted from the centre and I have apologised profusely. The security guard was out of order."

So why are there no signs warning that photography is forbidden? "We have that many signs on our doors - no smoking, no skateboarding - that it might confuse people," says Mr Small.

Susan Jaleel, happily, is pretty unflappable. Next day she asked about photography in the nearby Queen Street shopping centre and was told, politely and helpfully, to fire away. It is not they, whoever, who are now squarely in the frame.

IN the matter of security risks, we also hear from Ken Spearen in School Aycliffe, just returned - via a Northern Echo readers' offer - from the Good Food Show at the NEC in Birmingham.

With one exception, it should swiftly be stated, the trip was fine - "well organised and very enjoyable," says Ken.

The exception was the gents'. "Having fought my way through, I found at least 50 women queuing for a vacant cubicle. They were milling around the urinals, giggling and pointing at what they saw and I couldn't help but think what the reaction would have been had the shoe been on the other foot - outrage and a claim of sexual harassment, probably.

"I made my views known to them and just got a mouthful of abuse in return."

On leaving, he found a security guard who said he knew of the situation but that it had been allowed all week because the ladies' queues were so long.

"Surely this is totally unacceptable in our politically correct times, or does sexual harassment only work one way?" asks Ken.

The ladies and gentlemen of the jury might not for a moment doubt that he is correct.

FURTHER evidence of how all roads lead to the Gadfly column, we reported last week a sign on the approach to Mumps Bridge in Oldham, proclaiming that Lancashire town to be "Home of the tubular bandage".

Margery Burton, in Shildon, confirms that Chapel-en-le-Frith is billed as "Home of the brake lining", Susan Jaleel (Wronged of Darlington) reports that Droylsden is "Home of Golden Shred" and John Briggs, in Darlington, notes gallantly that Horbury, near Wakefield, is "Home of Onward Christian Soldiers".

The Stokesley Stockbroker saw a sign boasting "Modern Wigan has no peer" and, just back from a trip to London, adds that they ate at a place calling itself "the very heart of Clerkenwell".

What, they wondered, was the rest of Clerkwenwell like.

A SECOND grammatical note, this time following last week's question mark over the correct style for names, like Newcastle United's football ground, ending with a single 's'.

At Durham Girls' Grammar School, recalls Susan Kennedy in Spennymoor, Miss Shepherd always taught that it was "St James' Park", a form with which the Echo style book - if not the paper's most fecund columnist - agrees.

"I think there are just too many s's about St James's," says Susan, "and besides, Miss Shepherd can't be wrong".

Also just back from the capital, the excellent Ron Davies-Evans, in Darlington - Methodist local preacher, like Susan Jaleel - reports that at the same railway station, he saw both "Kings Cross" and "King's Cross". Probably two different painters, muses Ron. The first is probably correct.

...and finally, a letter in Saturday's paper congratulated the Echo for dropping the "Teesside Edition" - something the writer thought "horrible poor" - in favour of "Tees Valley Edition".

We again deliver a minority verdict. In government agency terms, at any rate, the curiously created "Tees Valley" also includes Darlington. The Echo, happily, still has a Darlington edition.

Saturday's Guardian, meanwhile, carried a big piece on the growing opposition to the proposed rope suspension bridge over the river at Barnard Castle - properly describing the town as in the Tees Valley.

Planning another bridge protest on behalf of Gephyrophobics Anonymous, the column returns next Wednesday. Failing that, there's an automaton every half an hour.

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