IS there anyone in Weatherfield who doesn't have the hots for Nick (I'm too sexy for my shirt) Tilsley? Men, women, animals too probably, are fighting for the attention of the man with the tan and artfully-tousled blond hair in Coronation Street (ITV1).

Candice's own hair has turned quite a different colour since naughty Nick started paying attention to her. Only problem is that he and former love Maria are, shall we say, rekindling the flames of passion.

This can only mean one thing - handbags at dawn in the Rovers Return as Candice and Maria slug it out for Nick's hand (and other body parts). The result is a draw - Candice has her heart broken and Maria has a black eye.

As for Nick, he'll probably just undo another button on his shirt and pout prettily, while telling his mother Gail the hamster that Todd the gay expectant father tried to kiss him. So much fuss over a little peck on the cheek. Terrible Tommy, the world's least understanding father, hits the bottle and causes garage boss Kevin to fire him. Will son Craig side with his mum or his dad? My advice would be to divorce both of them. A bigger worry is that Craig seems to grow several inches between episodes and looks set to rival Albert Square's Martin as the tallest man in Soapland.

Until now, Kate the Geordie manicurist and ex-cop has seemed one of the more sensible people in Walford. Apart the little lapse of marrying Phil Mitchell, but she's seen the error of her ways and is happy to let him rot in prison in EastEnders (BBC1).

But Kate employing Lynne Slater as a trainee in her nail salon is a very silly idea. This is the woman who married gormless Garry, for goodness sake, and stands around a lot with her arms folded, looking miserable.

Not half as sad as Derek, who's gay but has several children left over from his marriage. Pauline's relatives reunited plan doesn't work out well when his offspring, whom she's taken the trouble to find in her role as chief nose-poker-inner, don't want anything to do with their dad.

Those who thought Little Mo had suffered enough should steel themselves as her friendship with Graham moves from helping with his crossword over the bar of the Queen Vic leads to a very unpleasant incident. Alfie's too busy dealing with his lawyers, in an effort to get a divorce so he can marry Kat on Christmas Day and boost ratings, to notice what's going on.

Having successfully banged up Phil Mitchell, the Soapland police are called out to locate a missing person in Emmerdale (ITV1). Gloria has gone missing after failing to get back together with husband Eric Pollard. The chap has to face up to the fact that he may never see her again. I'm sure scheming Steph will offer a padded shoulder to cry on.

Published: 04/12/2003