AS Christmas approaches, the question of what to do with mothers-in-law takes on a whole new meaning.

"If your mother says 'it's a very nice present... but' again this year I might just stab her," threatened my other half as she wrapped the 2003 offering.

I also now know how much it cost to post and what position the ridiculously expensive family portrait is likely to take on 'the mother-in-law's' wall - my mother being keen on precedent and me being No 3 on the list of five sons.

To my mind, it seemed only fair to inflict Take My Mother-in-Law (ITV1, Tuesday) on my wife as the three-part series finally got down to the real conflict in life: wife v husband's mother.

The previous two programmes were lightweight affairs with a hapless husband agreeing to do what the wife's mother suggested for a week.

Men are like that, they sign on the dotted line and get on with the job displaying grumbling good grace.

This was the heavyweight stuff. Retired pathologist Josephine travelled to Sheffield from Hertfordshire after declaring that all Northerners had lower standards.

She arrived at daughter-in-law Claire's home with a suitcase bulging with cleaning products and on a mission to halt the 37-year-old mother-of-two's scruffy student lifestyle and, horror of horrors, smarten up her fleabag cat.

Claire may have signed on the dotted line, but she had no intention of doing any extra work. Rising late and going to bed early was a remarkably childish response as my wife egged on Claire to rebel - a quality that was notably absent when slobby husbands were being supervised by wife's mothers with their feet up.

Despite Josephine buying Claire outfits and new carpets the atmosphere remained as welcoming as Tony Blair hosting a university open day .

"I bet Josephine's husband threw all his newspapers over the floor while she was away," said my wife.

Strangely, my wife demanded the mother-in-law tape was halted while she watched The Hand Of God (BBC1, Tuesday).

Presenter Michael Buerk picked out TV and movie stars juggling heaven and Hollywood with the biggest, if you'll pardon the expression, being Pamela Anderson.

The bust-enhanced former Baywatch star chatted happily about being a Sunday School assistant and its position with her latest role as cartoon heroine Striperella, who battles evil with the lap dancing fighting technique.

She was stunned when a son approached her with the question: "Are you Pamela Anderson?" and responded "No, I'm just mommie."

Ms Anderson was also adamant that her religious beliefs didn't conflict with her soft-porn profile as an actress and I bet she probably wore a full-length overcoat when filming Baywatch on Sundays.

Then again, my betting skills are particularly poor. So far, all my hot favourites for Pop Idol (ITV1, tonight) have been voted off by the public, leaving a right ragbag of ability on show.

Thankfully, we've had Will Young and Gareth Gates as guests over the past two weeks to remind us why Pop Idol MkII has been such a pale imitation.

Never mind there's always Rolf at the Royal Albert Hall (BBC1, tonight).

Published: 06/12/2003