THINGS are suspiciously quiet in Soapland - apart from the odd prison breakout, car crash and robbery. This must be the lull before the storm when all hell breaks loose over Christmas and the New Year.

The soap police are working overtime in EastEnders (BBC1) following news of Phil Mitchell's escape from prison. On past form, they wouldn't even spot him if he chained himself to the railings in Albert Square, put a sign round his neck proclaiming: "I'm Phil, arrest me", while shouting: "Come and get me" at the top of his voice.

No doubt the headline on the front page of the Walford Gazette will scream PHIL'S OUT. The idea of macho man Phil, who runs the local branch of Thugs 'R' Us, coming out in a sexual way is vaguely amusing and it would liven things up in Walford. Perhaps they could recruit John Inman to play Phil's fella.

Unfortunately, I fear that Phil is not about to be afflicted with a case of severe character change, as it's known in soap circles. He'll no doubt be heading for Dirty Den's place to give him his Christmas present - a bullet.

Alfie Moon is determined that his Christmas Day wedding will go like clockwork and not an old grandfather clock that someone has forgotten to wind up. So why, Alfie, do you and your bride-to-be decide to take part in a curry-eating competition as the wedding day approaches? The result could find them running, rather than walking, up the aisle, in search of the nearest toilet.

The resources of the soap police are stretched to breaking point as they're needed in Weatherfield too, investigating Mar-in the nurse's car crash after someone loosened his nuts in Coronation Street (ITV1).

We know it was young Craig who tampered with his young sister's older lover's brakes but now his quick-tempered father, Terrible Tommy the mechanic, is preparing to make the ultimate sacrifice for his son. No, not miss his tea but say he's the guilty party.

The police are also called out to help Tracy Barlow after a customer steals all her takings while she's taxi-driving for Streetcars. Steve Macdonald comforts a tearful Tracy and phones the cops. Little does he know that the woman around whom he's placed a sympathetic arm is carrying his unborn child.

Over in Emmerdale (ITV1), the soap police need to keep an eye on the Dingle clan, as they attempt to rob Home Farm. Unable to open the safe, they steal the whole thing and stash it in the Woolpack cellar.

Then Sam, who is not the sharpest knife in the cutlery drawer, announces he has some dynamite. The thought of idiot Sam and explosives adds up to soap's equivalent of a weapons of mass destruction scenario.

Another Dingle, poor Marlon, is in the dog house after telling wife Tricia about his one night stand with Charity. He vows to win Tricia back, hopefully without resorting to the use of explosives.

Published: 18/12/2003