It is supposed to be the season of peace and goodwill but Christmas can place relationships under severe strain.

Women's Editor Christen Pears looks at ways to survive the festive season with your family intact.

AS your other half falls asleep in front of the television, leaving all the washing up for you, grandma drains the sweet sherry bottle, and the kids drive their new remote control car into your ankles for the tenth time, you may find your patience running out.

The pressure to play happy families is never greater than at Christmas but few seem to be able to make it through the festive season without some sort of incident. With excitement running high and stress levels soaring, even the slightest niggle can lead to fights among the children, sulking relatives and rows between partners.

In some families, there is enormous pressure to get everything right, from choosing presents to cooking the perfect turkey. One common complaint is that women end up doing all the Christmas shopping and preparation, causing resentment towards their partner.

Calls to Relate, the relationship counselling and advice service, increase markedly during the period after Christmas and New Year - a clear indication that couples often find it difficult to cope with the strain.

The pressure of Christmas alone is unlikely to cause serious problems within a stable relationship but those who are already in trouble may find the situation deteriorates, says relationship counsellor and Relate expert Julia Cole.

"It's usually a combination of factors such as the organisation or having the family to stay, but the main problem is unrealistic expectations," she says. "People have the idea that Christmas is going to be wonderful. They even think that if they argued for 50 weeks of the year. They think that because everybody is supposed to be in harmony, it will rub off on them, even if their relationship is stressed or in tatters.

"When they still argue or are upset with each other through Christmas, of course the expectations and hopes are shattered. I think that's why most people experience such a lot of stress."

Difficult relations between a couple often have repercussions on those around them, particularly children. Christmas should be a magical time for youngsters but they can be profoundly affected by arguments between their parents. Some will retreat into their shells while others attempt to draw attention to themselves by behaving badly. Either way, it makes for a miserable time.

"Children are like sponges," says Julia, whose latest book, How to Stay Together Forever, was published earlier this year. "You may think that you've hidden your arguments or they haven't realised how unhappy you are but most children are an accurate barometer of their parents' feelings.

Of course, if parents are unhappy, children are also likely to be unhappy, spoiling their Christmas as well."

Images of the interfering in-laws or drunken great uncle who descends on a family for Christmas are favourites with sitcom writers but it's no joke for some couples. The arrival of relatives can exacerbate existing tensions or force a couple to put on a brave face and pretend that nothing is wrong. Some find they crack under the pressure.

"I have had many clients who come to me after Christmas and say that everything went pear-shaped because they couldn't keep up the front for other people. It just puts extra strain on a relationship that is already under pressure," says Julia.

There are, however, ways to avoid the pitfalls and ease some of the tension that can erupt over the holiday period. Julia advises couples to plan their day in advance.

"Don't leave it until Christmas Day itself or you will be disappointed. If you know that parents or relatives are likely to be flash points or spending hours in the kitchen is going to drive you mad, decide how you are going to deal with it."

This may be something practical like taking relations out for a walk in the afternoon or providing emotional support for a partner. Set aside time to talk to them or perhaps give them a hug if they're finding everything a bit overwhelming.

Many couples find themselves pulled between relatives in an effort to keep both sides of the family happy, and often neglect their own relationship. It is important to spend some time together over the Christmas break.

Above all, accept that you have to work at your relationship. Julia says: "If your relationship has been in trouble this year, think hard about why this has happened and don't expect that Christmas will repair it like the fairy on the top of the tree waving her wand. You need to think how you are going to tackle this both over Christmas and in the New Year. Look on it as New Year's resolution."

* Relate can be contacted on 0845 1304016 or at www.relate.org.uk.

The helpline is open from 9.30am to 4.30pm, Monday to Friday but is closed December 25, 26 and January 1.