You may want to scream when the cooker won't work or the kids cause chaos, but relax - it's all part of why we cherish Christmas.

CONGRATULATIONS! If you are sitting down reading this, it means either (a) you are wonderfully organised and have done all the shopping, cooking and present wrapping, or (b) you're in such a state of chaos that half an hour with the paper might just save your life and if the worst comes to the worst, your visitors can make up their own beds.

And cook their own turkey if it comes to that. And honestly, whether it's (a) or (b), it really doesn't matter. Relax. It's only Christmas. By tomorrow evening, it will be pretty much over, the bin will be full of wrapping paper, at least one of the toys will be broken and Granddad will have indigestion. If you survive without a family row it will be a major achievement. Other things that are bound to happen:

* You will have just received a card from someone to whom you haven't sent one. Too late now.

* The Christmas lights will fuse.

* The oven will break down.

* You will have forgotten stuffing/crackers/batteries/loo roll.

* Granny will lose her glasses.

* Granddad will lose his teeth.

* The baby will be sick.

* The person who's doing all the cooking will get flu and/or break a wrist.

* Half the family will spend too long in the pub and come waltzing in to burnt turkey and a major row.

* Someone will step on one of the children's toys and smash it to smithereens.

* Someone will step on the baby.

* The dog will steal the turkey.

* Anyone over 40 will at some stage tut and look disapproving and say that of course children have FAR too many presents these days and what's Christmas really meant to be about?

* The baby will ignore all those presents and play happily with the box they came in.

* Teenagers will slide out of the house to show their mates their new jumpers while everyone else goes to sleep during Only Fools and Horses.

* You'll be slightly relieved when it's all over and yet long to do it all again next year.

The chances are that whatever is happening to you, the same things are happening to at least half the families in the land. Reassuring, isn't it? And that's before you start on the horrors of extended families and step-parents and half siblings and who is where with whom on which day. Remember - the worse your Christmas Day is, the better the story you can tell about it for years afterwards. So you might as well stop worrying and carry on reading the paper.

My own particular problems include a wonky crowned front tooth that's in imminent danger of falling out and a boiler that's packed up. So I shall be gap-toothed and shivering, but, no matter, I shall still raise a glass or more and toast you all.

A REVIEW of the year showed Turner prize winner, transvestite potter Greyson Perry in his party frock, next to Eddie Izzard in skirt and full slap.

I know, I know, I should be thinking of their boldness and bravery in pushing the bounds of cross dressing. But, sorry, that frock just makes me think they've wandered off from the set of Cinderella.

AND many thanks to the Wolsingham reader who sent me this message in the spirit of the season and the spirit of our times:

"Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday (or the summer solstice if you are in the southern hemisphere, which is, of course, no less important than the northern one), practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all... and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2004, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make this country great, (not to imply that this country is any greater than any other) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wisher.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

"This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)"

Or to put it more bluntly: HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

Published: 24/12/2003