What not to watch

TV writer Steve Pratt applies the spirit of BBC2's Trinny and Suzannah of What Not To Wear fame to establish 'the rules' of what makes a perfect family spectacular and, of course, picks the programmes we should all prepare to avoid.

ONLY Fools And Horses (Christmas Day, BBC1, 9.20pm) may be a stinker, but has to be watched because we're told it's the very last episode of John Sullivan's long-running comedy series. The previous two Christmas editions have been disappointing, but this time the efforts of Del Boy and Rodney to avoid eviction from Mandela House may be rewarding. Whatever the merits, this must be favourite to top the Christmas ratings.

Ricky Gervaise's David Brent is bowing out while the series is still on top with The Office Christmas Specials (Boxing Day, BBC1, 10.15pm and Saturday, BBC1, 9.50pm). The plot is being kept secret, although writers Gervaise and Stephen Merchant promise that everything will be resolved among staff at the Slough offices of Wernham Hogg.

Programmes that you can dip in and out of, or nip out to make a cup of tea, or simply sleep and wake up to find the same show still going strong are to be welcomed. These are usually called The 100 Greatest something-or-other. The 100 Greatest Musicals (Boxing Day, C4, 9pm and Saturday, C4, 8.25pm) has the bonus of singalong value as Denise Van Outen counts down the titles.

The makers of The Greatest TV Treats of 2003 (Christmas Eve, C4, 9pm) obviously don't anticipate great things over the festive season as the programme is being screened before Christmas. Over on another channel, I'm Dreaming Of A TV Christmas (Christmas Eve, BBC2, 9.40pm) offers the best of Christmas past with clips from festive shows from the past 30 years.

Wall-to-wall soap is now a requirement of Christmas Day, with the top three soaps occupying three hours of primetime TV. Kat and Alfie's wedding in EastEnders (Christmas Day, BBC1, 6pm and 8.40pm) is in doubt if Alfie's divorce doesn't come through in time. Meanwhile Phil Mitchell, newly-escaped from prison, is heading for a showdown with Dirty Den. Emmerdale (Christmas Day, ITV1, 6.40pm) concentrates on Marlon and Tricia's marital troubles in advance of the storm due to hit the village on New Year's Eve. Coronation Street (Christmas Day, ITV1, 7.40pm) has Tracy the minx telling Steve Macdonald that he's the father of her unborn child, while Craig the teenage brake-tamperer tries not to look guilty as Katy grows suspicious at the cause of Martin's car crash..

The Young Visiters (Boxing Day, BBC1, 6pm) could well prove one of the highlights of the season, being a drama for all the family. Daisy Ashford's story has Jim Broadbent and Hugh Laurie competing for the hand of the same girl. Bill Nighy, Geoffrey Palmer and Simon Russell Beale also star.

Fans of The Simpsons (Christmas Eve, BBC2, 6.15pm; Christmas Day, Sky One, 6pm) are well catered for, with a double bill of seasonal episodes on terrestrial TV and four in a row on Sky. The Christmas Truce (Christmas Day, five, 7.25pm) is that rarity - a new documentary, telling the story of the British and German soldiers who left the trenches to spend Christmas together in 1914.

Those who can still focus on the subtitles after all the Christmas booze could try Amelie (Christmas Day, C4, 9.15pm), the delightful 2001 French film about a young Parisian waitress who believes her duty is to help her neighbours, even if her intereference has unwelcome repercussions.

For Scrooges everywhere (and we wouldn't want them to feel unloved, would be?), there's Christmas... Ruined My Life (Christmas Day, five, 8.20pm). This is not the story of a TV critic forced to watch endless Where The Heart Is Christmas specials, but a look at how Christmas went wrong for some people. Like the Santa who was run out of town in South Wales.

And for all those who moan that Christmas TV isn't what it used to be Boxing Day night on five is one old comedy show after another with seasonal episodes of On The Buses, Robin's Nest, Rising Damp, Only When I Laugh, In Sickness And In Health, and Carry On Christmas. Plus an edition of The Morecambe And Wise Christmas Show, dating from 1981 when their guests were Ralph Richardson, Ian Ogilvy, Robert Hardy and Susannah York.

SOME programmes just scream, "switch me off". Dear Father Christmas (Christmas Day, BBC1, 3.10pm) has Dale Winton in the role formerly undertaken by Noel Edmonds to spread a little Yuletide happiness by granting special wishes for children. Blue and the Ready Steady Cook team help him out.

Much as I rate Will Young a worthy winner of the first British Pop Idol, World Idol (Christmas Day, ITV1, 8.40pm) will test anyone's patience. It's a variation on Eurovision with Pop Idol winners from around the globe competing for the world title.

Christmas Night With The Stars (Christmas Day, BBC1, 7.10pm) offers music and comedy, all introduced by Michael Parkinson. Will Young's on this one too, along with Victoria Beckham (has she a new record to plug, perchance?), Dead Ringers impressionist Jon Culshaw and Ricky Tomlinson. The stars, of course, will be spending Christmas night with someone else, safe in the knowledge they've already recorded their bits for the programme.

Hiding repeats under other names won't do. The Best Of Britain's Worst Drivers (Christmas Eve, five, 7.35pm) and The Best Of At Home With The Eubanks (Christmas Eve, five, 8.35pm) are bits from programmes that were repeated the week they were first shown.

Other shows you may feel you've seen before. Like The Real Beckhams (Christmas Eve, ITV1, 9pm). How many documentaries about Posh and Becks can they make? And some of us don't find them that fascinating in the first place.

Avoid contact with any programme that has celebrity in the title. These are often breaches of the Trade Description Act as those involved don't merit the term celebrity. The double whammy that is Celebrity Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (Christmas Day, ITV1, 5.15pm and 10.35pm) quizzes such intellectual giants as Simon Cowell, Neil Fox, Philip Schofield and Jim Davison.

As for Celebrity Mastermind (Boxing Day, BBC2, 8.25pm), I can live without watching Shaun Williamson (Barry in EastEnders) answering questions on Richard Burton and David Blunkett revealing his knowledge of the Harry Potter books.

Showing old films should be abandoned altogether by the TV schedulers, even if that leaves large gaps in the schedules. If we really want to see My Fair Lady, Oliver!, Jason And The Argonauts and Zulu again (to name only a handful of the old ones coming round again this year), we'll buy the DVD or video to watch it at our leisure without the commercial breaks.

Published: 24/12/2003