IF you remembered to book your taxi in July, have reserved a place at the bar and have remortgaged your house to fill your wallet you are guaranteed a great New Year'e Eve.

What used to be a low-key celebration with close relatives and friends has become a marathon party that takes 12 months to plan and a week to get over.

Pubs and clubs have spotted the trend and punters are now expected to pay simply to step over the threshold of their local.

Once inside you can only get to the bar if you are willing to get up close and very personal with a load of sweaty strangers pushing you in the opposite direction you are heading in.

Forget the England rugby team - if you want to see a real scrum go out on New Year's Eve and try to order a pint!

But if you have managed to dive headfirst to the bar and grabbed an harassed barmaid's attention, you then have to decide what to order. Only a very nave New Year party-goer would order one drink or even one round at a time - if you get that coveted place at the bar then try and buy all your drinks for the evening in one.

It will cost you a fortune and will you end up spilling half of them on the sticky bar-room floor but at least you won't have to worry any more about getting your feet trodden on and your ribs bruised as you barter for another Woodpecker and Black.

So you have your venue and your drink - now all you have to do is avoid the lecherous members of the opposite sex who see December 31 as an annual mating ritual and won't take no for an answer.

Someone should tell these sad men and women that getting legless, dancing to Wham and waving mistletoe around is not an attractive look.

And surely ending up single when the bells ring 12 is a much better option than finding yourself locked in an embrace with someone you wouldn't look twice at if you weren't wearing beer goggles.

Where is the rule book that says each year has to start with you swopping saliva with a stranger?

But the main problem with New Year's Eve is what follows it - the first week of January is always a disappointment after the glitter and expectation of the festive season.

So if all we have to look forward to in the New Year is another failed diet and a host of broken resolutions is it any wonder we go all out to drown our sorrows on the 31st?