CHRISTMAS is coming and the geese, along with Barry the most boring man in Soapland, are getting fat. In EastEnders (BBC1), Alfie Moon and Kat Slapper, sorry Slater, are preparing to say "We do" for a Christmas Day wedding in Albert Square.

Except when they reach the part about anyone knowing just cause or impediment why they can't be joined in holy matrimony, a voice pipes up.

That's not entirely unexpected as Soapland wedding ceremonies rarely go smoothly. This interruption is shocking because the person making the objection is Alfie himself.

He's worried because the divorce papers for his first marriage haven't come through and he has no wish to join the Soapland Society of Bigamists (honorary chairman, Peter Two Wives Barlow).

Is this the end of Kat's hopes of making a respectable woman of herself - or as respectable as one who wears skirts the size of curtain pelmets and whose tan makes her look like an overboiled lobster.

Meanwhile Barry is preparing for his own wedding to Janine the gold-digger.

She might even manage a smile as she walks down the aisle with lard mountain Barry if he reveals that his doctor says he has a serious heart condition. He might drop dead at any moment. Soapland medical experts knew it was only a matter of time before all those bacon sarnies he ate in the establishment formerly known as Kaf's Caf did some harm.

Phil the thug has escaped from prison and is about to spread, not Christmas cheer, but Dirty Den's blood around Albert Square.

Let's hope the gunshots don't disturb the Queen's Speech on the telly or the sound of Barry burping after stuffing himself with turkey.

Only Zoe and Kelly seem prepared to kiss and make-up. Or rather, make-up and then kiss. Just when it's all getting interesting in a girl-on-girl sort of way, the Square's young folk are involved in a car smash on their New Year trip to Scotland.Much the same things occupy Weatherfield residents over the festive season - a wedding, attempted murder and baby talk.

Ciaran in Coronation Street (ITV1) could do with a previous wife to escape marrying Sunita. He's got cold feet but has yet to find a way of breaking up with his bride-to-be. I'd suggest the tried-and-test Soapland trick of being found in bed with her best friend, or better still, slimy Dev.

The season of peace and goodwill doesn't extend to the Harris and Platt households. Kay-ee is determined to find out who loosened her beloved Mar-ins nuts and left him fighting for life in hospital.

She thinks dad Tommy the Terrible was responsible, whereas we know it was Crazy Craig who tampered with his sister's pervy lover's brakes.

More bad news when Tracy Barlow informs Steve Macdonald that she hasn't come a Cropper and that he, not Roy, is the father of her unborn child.

It's tempting to say there's a lull before the storm in Emmerdale (ITV1). Marlon and Tricia are trying to sort out their marriage. But the Soapland weather forecasters are predicting a big wind (not as a result of too many turkey sandwiches, I hasten to add) on New Year's Eve that will leave the soap several characters short of a full cast list. Let's just say that Tricia should enjoy Christmas while she's able to.

Published: 24/12/2003