As the sun sets on 2003, we pause to consider the winners and loser of the TV year.

Who are the Jonny Wilkinsons deserving a pat on the back? Who are the Saddam Hussains meriting being locked up? An who on earth commissioned another series of Merseybeat? The winners can expect a primetime show on BBC1, the losers exile to The Home and Leisure Channel.

THE Colin Firth Wet Shirt award: Rufus Sewell, whose portrayal of Charles II in the BBC1 drama did much to restore people's faith in the monarchy and turned him into a royal pin-up.

The Bad Girls Award for trash TV: Women's prison drama Bad Girls just misses out again (although where else would you witness a scene involving a pregnant escaped prisoner performing a musical number astride a giant blow-up penis in a foreign nightclub?). The winner once again is Footballers' Wives. Ridiculous, ludicrous, over the top - it's all those things. That's why we love it.

Hottest properties on TV: Chefs and gardeners are out, property people are in. Property Ladder's Sarah Beeney can insulate my extension any time, while no partition wall is safe from sledgehammer-happy Kirstie Allsopp from Location Location Location.

The Linda Lovelace Don't Talk With Your Mouth Full award: George Reynolds, whose pie-eating while being interviewed in the BBC North East documentary about the Darlington FC chairman made Desperate Dan look like a fussy eater.

The You Can't Fool Us award: Paradise Heights, the BBC1 drama with Neil Morrissey, got lousy ratings for the first series. Sneaking it back as The Eustace Bros didn't fool anyone - the ratings were still bad. If they'd called it The Useless Bros, we'd have understood.

The How To Throw £6m Down The Drain award: Chris Evans, whose comeback through his company's Boys And Girls, Channel 4's great Saturday night hope, proved an expensive flop.

Silliest Titles Of The Year: Don't Drop The Coffin, The Child Who's Older Than Her Mother, Snorting Coke At The BBC, The Woman Who Dives The Deepest.

Presenter Who Didn't Play The Game: Ulrika Jonsson, who hosted Mr Right - in which would-be brides competed for the affections of Lance Gerrard-Wright - and then married him herself.

The Mick Jagger award for stand-out performance: Leslie Ash, whose "trout pout" was the most outstanding thing about Merseybeat. Or to quote comedian Harry Hill: "If The Bill is the smoked salmon of TV cops, then Merseybeat is the pilchard."

Place most in need of a visit from the Changing Rooms and How Clean Is Your House? team: Saddam's underground hideout.

The Adam Sandler Unfunniest Comedy award: ITV didn't even bother to enter this category, seemingly having abandoned making comedy shows. They'd have been hard pressed, though, to beat the BBC1 laugh-free zone known as The Crouches.

The Now You See It, Now You Don't award: Single, Sweet Medicine, Family. If a series didn't get high enough ratings, ITV schedulers ruthlessly plucked it prematurely from peaktime and deposited it in a late night, post-cocoa slot.

Things we wish we hadn't seen: People having colonic irrigation in Celebrity Detox Camp and The Salon.

The Don't Call Us And We Won't Call You award: To TV's so-called top stars Ross Kemp, Michelle Collins and Robson Green, who had more downs than ups in 2003. Also to ITV1's Judgement Day (axed after two episodes), BBC1's The Murder Game (missing presumed dead) and ITV1's Design Wars (not so much changing rooms as changing channels when it was on).

The Surprise Surprise award for most unexpected announcement: Cilla Black, who told viewers during a live edition of Blind Date that she was quitting the dating show after 18 years. The trouble was nobody cared. Runner-up: This Is Your Life, which the BBC axed but which most people thought had died years ago.

The It's Not Over Until The Fat Lady Sings award: Pop Idol, whose size 20 winner Michelle McManus was a case of viewer power. The judges' favourites were consistently voted out of the contest in the public phone poll. The real winners were Ant and Dec, the best presenters on the box.

Bad loser award: Pete Waterman, who didn't bother to hang around for the Pop Idol celebrations because he didn't agree with the viewers' choice. Perhaps he was still smarting from the public's lack of interest in the boy band he put together for Pop Idols The Rivals.

Dracula Award for best resurrection: Dirty Den in EastEnders. Shot and drowned in the canal some years ago, he still managed to saunter back into Albert Square looking none the worse for wear.

Most boring soap story: The one about that woman with the neighbour from hell in EastEnders. Now she's lumbered with one of the dreary Ferreira brothers (Ash, Fagend, whatever his name is) as a boyfriend. Hasn't she - and the viewers - suffered enough?

Most unnecessary journey: Coronation Street's trip to Blackpool. Either bring back Bet and Liz for good, or let them lie.

Programmes to avoid in 2004: Any programmes containing the words The True Story, Revealed, From Hell, The Real, The Curse Of in the title. Watch out too for The 100 Greatest Moments from The 100 Greatest Programmes.

The News At Ten "And Finally" award: RI:SE, Crossroads, Brookside - which all ended, not so much with a bang, as a whimper.

Published: 27/12/2003