SOAP children are meant to suffer, but little Bethany, the unfortunate child of schoolgirl mum Sarah, is going to be a bundle of neurosis when she grows up. Hardly a week goes by without someone abducting her. This week it's the turn of psycho-granny Brenda in Coronation Street (ITV1).

Batty Brenda is in the belfry of the bell tower in the cemetery, a suitable location for the planning of a funeral. She's dangling Bethany over the edge and threatening all sorts of unpleasantness.

Never fear, help is at hand. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it Superman? No, it's pensioner Emily, whose Superwoman outfit consists of a headscarf and winter coat rather than red tights and cape. She's the only one capable of talking Brenda out of whatever nastiness she intends committing.

I hope a counsellor is ready to comfort Bethany if she doesn't end up like a limp rag doll on the ground. Not only has her teenage father died but her young mother's new partner Todd is probably gay (we are awaiting confirmation). And she has Gail the hamster as her other grandmother. There is no hope for this soap child.

Cilla and Fiz are a good example of how a mother-and-daughter relationship can go wrong. They almost come to blows after Cilla gives the game away about Fiz's sleepover at Tyrone's. Les, ever the dutiful parent, offers to beat up Tyrone.

The doctors in Emmerdale (ITV1) declare that Tricia is brain dead which begs the question: how do they know? She always seemed several pence short of a pound. Perhaps being buried under the collapsed Woolpack roof somehow managed to increase her IQ. Now the decision must be made whether to turn off her life support machine.

Another soap child, Jean, is also kidnapped. Is there something in the air in Soapland? This time Scott does the snatching. Mother Zoe (you know, the schizophrenic lesbian vet) won't be pleased, although there's no news whether Scott intends to join batty Brenda in the belfry.

Residents of EastEnders (bbc1) learn of the death of Barry the most boring man in soap. Rumours that the lump of lard exploded like a Christmas pudding left too long in the microwave appear unfounded.

My bet is that new bride Janine, ex-prostitute and gold-digger, probably bedded him to death until his enlarged heart (everything about Barry was big) conked out.

Her portrayal of the merry widow back in Walford arouses the suspicions of ex-wife Natalie and Pat.

Problems for Little Mo, one of soap's victims, continue when she discovers she's pregnant as a result of her rape. Husband Silly Billy may be heading for the door.

Ex-copper manicurist Kate discovers that her nail bar is under attack. What a mess - all those broken cuticles.

She sets about using her detection skills to prove that Sam Mitchell, the Square's new Godmother, is behind the trouble.

A good thrashing with an emery board should make her talk.

Published: 02/01/2004