Christmas Ruined My Life (five)

The Christmas Truce (five)

WHILE the other channels were stuffing themselves with traditional Christmas cheer - soaps, old movies, variety shows - five was playing at being Scrooge. There was precious little seasonal cheer in Christmas Ruined My Life.

The title was self-explanatory. Even Andy Parks, who celebrates Christmas every day of the year, is putting himself at risk because of his obsession.

He decorates his house with tinsel and trimmings all year round. He puts a present for himself under the tree each morning. He watches the Queen's speech on video at three every afternoon. And he has a turkey dinner 365 days of the year.

Who wouldn't agree when agony aunt Flic Everett declared that Andy "had several festive screws loose", as we learned the cost of having Christmas daily. He spends £8,000 a year on presents, £1,000 on electricity for his lights and £1,000 for decorations. Plus the price of eating 105 turkeys every year.

"I'm not sure if I need psychiatric help," he said, before treating us to a chorus of the Christmas record he releases every year.

A nutritionist put a damper on his celebrations by telling him he was obese and had high cholesterol, putting him at risk of coronary heart disease, diabetes and cancer. Have a happy Christmas, Andy, it may be your last.

Train driver and part-time football ground steward Nick Clarke is never going to die of over-indulgence. He's so mean he makes Scrooge look like a big spender. He even collects the toilet rolls thrown by football fans and, having removed the dirty sheets, takes them home to use.

"I'd ban Christmas and Easter and birthdays. It's nothing but a commercial rip-off," he declared.

This is a man who asks people to return the Christmas card he's sent. He then rubs out the name and sends it to someone else the following year.

Then we met ex-Santa Thomas Kiloran, who agreed to play Father Christmas on the local rotary club sleigh. Unfortunately, he was thrown off and injured his elbow, requiring major surgery. Rumours spread that he intended to sue the club. As a result, he was shunned by locals and ignored in his local pub.

Being ostracised made him decide he would sue, and he won £14,000 in damages. But local feeling was so against him that he was forced to move - a clear illustration of the perils and pitfalls of being Santa.

Five made up for their lack of ho-ho-ho with The Christmas Truce, an account of the extraordinary events at Christmas 1914. It began with carols being sung back and forth between the trenches.

British soldier Leslie Walkinton recalled how, on Christmas Day, men from both sides left the trenches and moved into No Man's Land. "It was really funny to see them laughing and talking and shaking hands," he said. Some even had a game of football.

British high command was worried by this peace and goodwill. They considered the soldiers were one step away from consorting with the enemy.

The truce, this friendly gathering on neutral ground, lingered on into Boxing Day before hostilities were resumed in a war during which ten million people died. A sobering thought as you were having a merry, and hopefully, peaceful Christmas.

Published: ??/??/2003