Suffer the soap children

It's no wonder they grow up to be psychopaths and criminals.

Soap children are born to suffer. Not for them the carefree days of childhood with no responsibilities and nothing to do but play. The youngsters of Weatherfield, Walford and every other soap location you care to name are regularly kidnapped, suffer potentially-fatal illnesses, or find themselves at the centre of bitter tug-of-love custody battles.

They spend a lot of time in their rooms. It doesn't matter if they're from oil-rich families in Dallas or working class homes in London's East End, at the first sign of parental conflict they're sent upstairs to their bedroom or told to go into the other room to play.

Soap children never watch TV or play records or participate in sport. School is only ever mentioned when they don't want to go or they burn it down.

They often discover that their mother or father isn't really their mother or father but a sister, granny or a passing stranger. They aren't seen for months on end, as if their parents only take them out of the box for special occasions. When they do come back, they don't look the same, having changed their head.

Given all that, it's hardly surprising that they grow up to be adulterers, psychopaths, murderers and criminals.

This has been a particularly bad week for the little darlings. Bethany was almost flung off the top of the church bell tower by psycho-granny Brenda in Coronation Street. Meanwhile, baby Jean was abducted and treated like the object in a game of pass the parcel as mother Zoe and father Scott argued over her welfare in Emmerdale.

Both children will be scarred for life. Bethany has already packed more into her few years than most people do in a lifetime. Her mother was still at school when she was born, her father died in a car crash, and her step grandfather was serial killer Tricky Dicky.

It could be worse. She could end up in Scotland, like many of the Street's discarded children. Daniel, the result of the union between Ken Barlow and hairdresser Denise, was taken across the border by his mother.

Ken's kids make a habit of going to Scotland. Twins Peter and Susan were raised there by the parents of Ken's first wife Val after she was electrocuted by a hairdryer. Poor Ken's university education didn't qualify him for child-rearing.

Ken's step-daughter Tracy (Langton/Barlow/Preston/Cropper) didn't go far to grow up. She went upstairs and didn't come down for many years.

In a storyline more horrific that anything in The Exorcist, Tracy is now pregnant with her own soap child. The father is Steve Mcdonald although she's sold the baby to Roy, who thinks it's his. The child is doomed before even emerging from the womb.

There is a precedent in Weatherfield for disposing of children for financial gain. Terry Duckworth sold little Tommy for £10,000 to his grandparents after the mother was knocked down and killed in one of the worryingly large number of road accidents in the area.

Alison died under the wheels of a lorry after snatching Bethany (the very same tot abducted by her psycho-granny) from the hospital following the death of her own child.

The father of Alison's child was Kevin Webster, whose own two children Sophie and Rosie have been force-fed fish fingers and chips for years. Apart from a spot of playground bullying, this doesn't appear to have harmed them too much.

The tug-of-love over Jean in Emmerdale is typical of how these Yorkshire farming folk behave. Joseph Tate had his cards marked from the cradle. He took his first name from Joe Sugden, who died the day he was born, and his second, Mark, was his uncle, who died when a plane carelessly fell on the village.

Joseph is not yet ten but already an orphan, his father was poisoned (the widow has been charged) and his mother pushed off a cliff by a psycho.

Maurice Chevalier may have sung "Thank heaven for little girls, they grow up in the most delightful way" but then he hadn't seen what happened to some of Walford's wild children.

Sam Mitchell has worked her way up from topless pin-up, nightclub "hostess" and glamour model to become Albert Square's resident moll, looking after brother Phil's business interests.

Let's hope she does better making money than Phil has raising children. Ben is living with his mother Kathy of Kaf's Kaf fame in South Africa, and little Lou has been taken away (again) by her mother, loopy Lisa. Last time it was Portugal, this time who knows where?

That's one of the few advantages of being a soap child - you get to see the world, and Albert Square toddlers get further than Scotland. Grant Mitchell is on the run with baby Courteney in Rio. When Cindy snatched sons Steven and Peter, she took them off to sunny Italy. They were snatched back in a raid by the Mitchell brothers, who don't seem to care whose children they abduct.

Vicki, love child of Dirty Den and Michelle Fowler, was raised in America (after the obligatory meningitis scare and abduction). Pity little Liam Butcher who drew the short straw when mum Bianca took him off to Manchester.

Laura's baby Bobby (father's identity unclear) is a disaster waiting to happen. With his background he could grow up into the soap child from hell, like Janine Butcher/Evans. She's vicious, manipulative and uncaring. And that's only what people who like her say.

She's money-grabbing, unprincipled and a total cow. After flirting with prostitution to earn money, she decided it would be easier to marry money. Enter car lot owner and tub of lard Barry Evans.

No one could have been surprised when he died on their honeymoon in Scotland, land of the Barlow children. After he fell off a cliff and hit his head on a rock, Janine sat there watching him die. A soap child has come of age.

Published: 10/01/2004