SHELLEY, the woman behind the bar of the Rovers Return who had the misfortune to marry Peter "Two Wives" Barlow, starts dating again in Coronation Street (ITV1).

While I wish her all the luck in the world, I can't help thinking she could have chosen someone better with whom to embark on a romantic venture than a chap who looks like Phoenix Nights comedian Peter Kay in a wig (possibly because it is Phoenix Nights comedy Peter Kay in a wig).

She'd have had more luck dating Jack the Ripper or Les Battersby, although the two of them are indistinguishable in a dark Weatherfield alley.

The date is as doomed as the wedding of Steve and Karen, especially now that vengeful Tracy has decided to spoil their big day. She can do that at a stroke by naming Steve as the father of her unborn child. He wants nothing to do with her and you know what they say about a woman scorned - and it's not that they're worth two in the bush.

Tracy, though, looks like little miss perfect compared to that dreadful Cilla and her plan to take Rita to the cleaners after she gave brat Chesney a well-deserved clip round the ear. Rita thinks hanging is too good for the little hooligan. I wouldn't go that far, although pegging Cilla out on the line during particularly inclement weather would bring joy to my heart.

Maria and I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt Nick Tilsley are looking for a flat together. And before you ask, "a flat what?", it should be explained that the pair want to move in together. Don't do it Maria, Nick will hog the sun bed and hair gel.

In Emmerdale (ITV1), Robert and Katy are caught kissing by young tearaway Daz, Yorkshire's equivalent to Chesney. Robert - who is, of course, snogging his brother Andy's fiancee - blackmails Daz into keeping quiet. Will Daz come clean to Andy? Katy tries to avoid that by demanding that Andy choose between her and Daz in a new version of the Doorstep Challenge.

The Woolpack re-opens after its annual revamp following a fire, flood, plane crash, hurricane or whatever disaster befalls the village over the New Year period. When she's not pulling pints, Diane is getting a proposal from flat cap Jack, whose idea of sweet-talking a girl is to say, "How about coming over and helping clean out the cowshed."

Dennis is worried about Sharon's health in EastEnders (BBC1). He's concerned that her quivering lips are causing permanent damage to the ozone layer. Dirty Dennis the Second has competition in the pretty boy gangster stakes now that Andy's decided to stick around in the Square. Sam is thrilled, mainly because she sees them becoming the Bonnie and Clyde of Albert Square. More Thelma and Louise, if you ask me.

Kareena, the girl who never smiles, is still trying to win back Tariq - unaware that he ain't heavy, he's her brother. But she's so dumb, she probably thinks the word incest is the past tense of insist.

Mickey, the cheerful cockney geezer who materialised out of nowhere and refuses to go away, insists that Tariq tells her the truth. Saying "Hi, sis" next time he sees Kareena might be a start.

Thicky Ricky finally twigs that Janine might be lying about what happened in Scotland to Barry the most boring man in soap (he rolled down a hill and hit his head on a stone, remember?). Her secret is safe. Thicky Ricky won't be able to put two and two together. And, if he does, they'll make five.

Published: 22/01/2004