The prisons in Soapland will be overcrowded in the wake of the coming week's outbreak of lawlessness. First behind bars is Rita from Coronation Street (ITV1), the flame-haired seller of newspapers and periodicals in The Kabin (although the name tips you off that spelling isn't her strong point).

Her big day in court - charged with giving tearaway Chesney a well-deserved clip round the ear - doesn't go well, thanks to his awful mum Cilla's careful preparation of her lad's testimony.

It's all too much for fiery Rita, and she starts shouting in court. This is never a good idea as soap trials are always presided over by a crusty-faced codger wearing glasses on the end of his nose.

Rita's outburst earns her a night in the cells, although rumours that she'll turn up in HM Larkhall in the next series of Bad Girls are untrue. The big question is not how long she'll be banged up but will Norris be able to deliver Les Battersby's copy of The Beano by himself.

Rita may soon be sharing a cell with Weatherfield's Kirk, who's stolen an engagement ring to impress Fiz. He can only hope that the soap prison police are too busy giving Rita a full body search to bother hunting him down.

Karen faces wedding day disaster as her bridesmaid is struck down with chicken pox. Can husband-to-be Steve McDonald find a replacement? As long as he doesn't choose terrible Tracy - who's carrying his unborn child - he might stand a chance of making it up the aisle on his feet instead of in a coffin (which is where he'll end up if Karen finds out about his infidelity).

Also heading behind bars is Charlie Slater, the man with the most troublesome daughters in soap. He's up before the beak for thumping Graham, the man who raped Little Mo, in EastEnders (BBC1).

Just like Rita, Charlie loses his rag in court. When will soapland residents learn that "Silence in court" means just that. As a result, he faces losing his freedom as well as his cab licence.

Thicky Ricky's brain cell is overheating after learning that sister Janine helped new husband Barry, the most boring man in soap, fall down a hill and bump his head on a rock while on honeymoon in Scotland. Ricky would phone the police and spill the beans, if only he could count up to 999.

Paul, who also knows the truth about callous Janine, is being leaned on by a suspicious Big Pat and her dangly earrings - which is enough to make anyone confess.

Sharon wants to sell Angie's Den, or what's left of the club after the Mitchells burnt it down, to gangster Andy. But, surprise surprise, Dirty Dennis the Second has other ideas.

No sooner has flat cap Jack proposed to Diane in Emmerdale (ITV1) than her sister turns up. The unexpected arrival of a previously-unseen relative is never a good sign in Soapland.

Bad girl Nicola is showing signs of becoming nicer and removing the sneer from her face as she officially begins dating Simon. That romance is likely to proceed as smoothly as the wedding of Katie and Andy - mainly because Katie has been sleeping with Andy's brother, the charmless Robert.

Katie must choose between them, which is a bit like asking someone to vote for Attila the Hun or Genghis Khan.

Published: ??/??/2003