WHAT would be the first three TV programmes you'd watch if someone gave you your first set?

A long-retired schoolteacher told me this week his choices were Songs Of Praise (BBC1), What The Victorians Did For Us (BBC2), because it featured Cragside, Northumberland, and... well, my wife decided my fascination with the subject had gone far enough.

His third introduction to TV was almost certainly not going to be I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! (ITV1, ad nauseam). "It's mind-rotting rubbish and I'd rather watch Red Cap on BBC1 than this," exploded my wife on Thursday as the true awfulness of the terrestrial choices struck home.

I tried to explain that it was part of my job to keep tabs on a programme enjoyed by millions and there was money at stake because I'd drawn Lord Brocket in the office sweepstake (the Editor has a twinkle in his eye after choosing Jordan).

I wouldn't go as far as a female friend who said "once you've seen Jordan's breasts you've seen them all".

Page 3 girls would have slunk away and died years ago if that was the case. For the record, I'm predicting victory for ex-footballer Neil 'Razor' Ruddock although ex-almost everything Mike Read is proving less annoying than expected.

Another cautionary choice would be Perfect Holiday (BBC1, Wednesday). The format of selecting a trip for some deserving person - this week it was Venice by rail for cancer victim Vicky Doyle - is fine, it's just that presenter Russell Amerasekera is probably the most irritating man on TV at the moment.

"Who the hell could relax on a ride on the Orient Express if a guy with a pink scarf keeps popping out to ask if you're enjoying yourself? I'm surprised he's not sharing the sleeping berth with them," stressed my expert on Australian Reality TV with celebs as Vicky and her boyfriend were "encouraged" to whoop it up all the way to Italy.

Perhaps the new TV owner would have opted for Hey Big Spender! (BBC1, Wednesday) which attempted to curb our credit card profligacy. Currently, Britain's average debt is more than £4,000 per person with the worse cases around the £30,000 to £70,000 mark.

My Oz-baiter fixed a beady eye on me during this show because I've booked a "bargain" holiday long before we were in a position to pay in hard cash.

Apparently the mantra we're supposed to mumble before purchasing anything is: Do I need it? Can I afford it? Is it cheaper elsewhere?

Look, getting two answers right out of three works for me. Until two years ago we always saved up carefully and went along to the travel agents to find all the bargain buys had gone and it was "full price or nothing".

Darlington-based fitness club empire boss Duncan Bannatyne featured twice on the programme. Once as the worse person for knowing the price of the average shopping basket - having never shopped in 25 years - and then as the best example of someone with a financial future.

Mind you, a top ten tip of cancelling your health club membership if you didn't use it very often would probably have seen Mr B joining the current queue to have a kick at the BBC.

Published: 31/01/2004