FASTEN your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Poisonous Janine is on the warpath, the equivalent of an uprising by the entire Apache nation in western terms. She's worried in EastEnders (BBC1) that Paul is getting up close and personal with Natalie, who was the first wife of Barry (remember him?

The most boring man in soap who died after falling off a small hill in Scotland and hitting his head) and who later married Janine (hours before he fell of that small hill, or rather was pushed by aforementioned Janine).

If I was Natalie (and thank goodness I'm not, or it would mean I'd slept with Barry) I'd lock up all sharp implements and not turn my back on Janine. And once the truth about what happened in Scotland emerges, Natalie may never be able to look at Paul in the same light.

More shocks in Soapland as Sharon, the brazen hussy, walks into the Vic and kisses Dennis. This, I have to confide, is something several young ladies in The Northern Echo features department would like to do, preferably if he had his shirt off at the time.

How will the regulars take to this snogging in the bar? The sight of a brother and sister kissing could well put them off their pork scratchings. Except, of course, they're not actually related as Sharon is adopted (unless it's revealed that Dirty Den really is her father, and then the Soap police will have to be called).

Charlie Slater is still behind bars, not that anyone has missed him. He'll have to stay there until he settles up with Graham, the man he assaulted. Kat tries to raise the money, but a proposition from Andy the ex-gangster (and the man she almost married) gives her cause to reflect.

There'll be more room on the wheel as Gail the hamster sees son Nick collect the last of his things as he moves out of the family cage in Coronation Street (ITV1). Demonic David, her other son, fears he'll become the object of her affection as she looks for someone to smother, sorry, mother.

Sally, the stage mother from hell, is geared up for the first night of Grease as her little Olivia Newton-John of a daughter prepares to take the musical world by storm. Problem is Rosie is unwell. Silly Sally doesn't care, the show must go on - even if the leading lady is throwing up.

Claire and Ashley struggle to find time alone. The deep freeze round at Fred's butchers is looking more enticing all the time.

Terrible Tracy, currently leading contender for the title of Soapland's worst mother, lets the Croppers spend time with Amy, the baby formerly known as Patience. She probably rents out the child by the hour, after demanding a deposit for its safe return.

The christening is coming up, but the odds are the event will turn into as big a debacle as Karen and Steve McDonald's wedding day when Tracy chose the worst possible moment to name Steve as Amy's father.

Emily tries to stop Marlon playing at being Anne Frank and come down from his attic hiding place in Emmerdale (ITV1). I reckon he's better off there than in the village where Dawn and Terry celebrate their first wedding anniversary, if only she can keep her hands off Scott. Meanwhile, Val is two-timing both Rodney and Danny, while Simon's romantic gesture is met with disdain from Nicola.

Published: ??/??/2003