ROADSWEEPER Gus is armed and dangerous in EastEnders (BBC1). "Make my day, punk," he tells weasly Ian Beale, brandishing a loaded broom and threatening to sweep him off his feet. Only joking, Gus wouldn't hurt a fly - unless it was dead and lying on the ground in which case he'd have a legitimate reason for disposing of it.

The trouble is that Gus has found a gun in older brother Juley's bag. Even Gus can work out this must have something to do with the wad of cash Juley's been throwing around of late. Is his bro into drugs or some other criminal activity?

As Juley's away (spending his ill-gotten gains, possibly) Gus turns to old girlfriend Sonia for advice. This is the girl who gave birth without realising she was pregnant and is now going out with petty thief Martin Fowler, so her qualifications for giving advice are debatable.

The Ferreria family have money worries too. Dad Dan, Dan the dreadful man has disappeared (wouldn't you with Adi, Ash and Ronny as sons?) and left them in dreadful debt. The bad news is that the house is being repossessed. Which means the good news is that they might all have to leave Walford. Hooray. Out of prison and back in the Square is another dreadful dad, Charlie Slater. His return is an excuse for a good old knees up which, as we all know, means it will end in tears.

Mad Maya, the love of devious Dev's life, is behind the counter of the corner shop in Coronation Street (ITV1). The former solicitor doesn't strike me as one of life's shop assistants, especially after her forays into shoplifting. Having to work alongside Dev's old flame Sunita isn't going to help.

Jason Grimshaw wanders on to the set of Confessions Of A Handyman when he goes to sand Mrs Fanshaw's banisters. The glamorous housewife drops her dressing gown to reveal that she's stark naked underneath. Careful where you rub that sandpaper, Jason.

Karen and Granny Liz (whose hair seems to have taken on a life of its own) have another row. Fred and Mike lock horns over Penny. Cilla is suspicious of Les spending so much time with his ex Janice.

And, to cap it all, almost-gay Todd "grows closer" - but not too close before the watershed - to Karl the gay nurse.

In Emmerdale, baby Noah is taken seriously ill, which is par for the course for any newborn soap tot. Kidnapping can't be far away, especially now that mother Charity has proof of the identity of the father. Who's the daddy - grieving Marlon (who's talking to God, an improvement on talking to Tricia's gravestone), thuggish Cain or the late Chris Tate?

Donna has bad news for Robert. She has a sexually transmitted disease that she may have passed on to him, and he may have passed on to lover Katie who may have passed on to new husband Andy...

The local clinic is going to be very busy indeed. The obvious solution is to fill up Jack's sheep dip with the appropriate drug and make the entire cast jump in.

Published: ??/??/2003