I WISH I hadn't read that the reason it took Andrew Motion three months to write a poem to commemorate England's rugby World Cup victory was he couldn't find anything to rhyme with Wilkinson.

Ever since, whether I'm on the school run, in the supermarket, or feeding the children tea, I can't stop thinking about all the words and phrases that could possibly rhyme with the name of Newcastle's latest sporting hero. I picture our poet laureate at his desk, desperately scratching his head and firing scrunched up bits of paper at the waste paper basket in his search for that elusive rhyme. He must have thought of the lot. So far, I've hit on: "get the milk in, son", "Acker Bilk's swansong" and "you're not of our ilk, you cons". Tortuous and totally inappropriate, but at least they rhyme. And still, like those awful repetitive pop songs that you can't get out of your head, they keep coming. I wonder if Mr Motion tried to fit in "silken sun", "quilting songs", "we'll bin some," "kill that pong," or "the ill king's son"? I can't stand it any more. I wonder how many others have been similarly afflicted. Next time, perhaps Mr Motion could avoid the limerick and write, instead, a poem that doesn't rhyme.

THE drinks industry must be delighted. As part of the Government's hard-hitting campaign against binge drinking, particularly amongst the young, a Cabinet Office spokeswoman says they will be putting over the message that: "it's not cool to get drunk." Most teenagers will, of course, immediately assume the opposite. Because if this is what boring MPs in suits think, getting drunk must be the coolest thing on the planet. Will they never learn?

Sadly, I think the Football Association's decision to brand Middlesbrough's next Premiership home game a no smoking event is also doomed to failure. Well meaning health workers will be asking fans to "tackle tobacco today" and to try not to smoke during the match, while leaflets about the dangers of smoking will be distributed. This will undoubtedly annoy heavy smokers so much they'll puff their way through double their usual number of fags.

RIPON MP David Curry has quit his post in the shadow cabinet for "family reasons," including his wife's desire to see more of him. Interestingly, unlike other high profile politicial figures who have stepped down because of the demands of having a young family, the 59-year-old former Tory local government spokesman, whose own children are now grown up, says: "I hope to spend time with my grandchildren." It reminds me of a slogan I saw on a mug recently: "I wish I'd had my grandchildren first." All the joys of parenthood, without the exhausting responsibilities - who can blame Mr Curry for taking time out to enjoy every precious moment of being a grandpa?

I WAS amazed a North-East man escaped jail after being found with distressing movie clips of a child engaged in sexual activity with an adult and also naked in a shower. The judge took 58-year-old Brian Sullivan's health - he suffered from depression and attempted suicide twice - into account. I can't help wondering what mental health problems that poor, tormented child, subjected to such vile abuse to satisfy the sick market created by people like Mr Sullivan, will suffer for the rest of her life?