CHRIS Cairns is not so much a chip off the old block as the whole tree trunk, and I still hope that before his career is over he plays at least one season for Durham.

Around 25 years ago the young Cairns could be seen knocking up before North Yorkshire and South Durham League matches with his dad Lance, who was then the Bishop Auckland pro.

Lance took 130 wickets in 43 Tests for New Zealand and smote a few runs as well, but Chris this week confirmed his presence among the top six all-rounders the world has seen since accurate records began.

During the Kiwis' nine-wicket win against South Africa at Auckland he passed two landmarks - 3,000 Test runs and 200 wickets.

This puts him in the extremely distinguished company of Gary Sobers, Ian Botham, Kapil Dev, Richard Hadlee and Imran Khan. Even Jacques Kallis still has some way to go to reach 200 wickets.

Botham's record of 5,200 runs and 383 wickets puts him way ahead of any other Englishman, the next best all-rounder being Tony Greig with 3,599 and 141.

Perhaps he could end his career with a season at Durham, but as long as Cairns is playing Test cricket there is no chance of him returning to the county scene as he is the cornerstone of what has become a very good New Zealand team.

It seems utterly crackers that we are playing them in only a three-Test series this summer, followed by four Tests against the shadow-of-former-selves West Indies.

It's a measure of New Zealand's strength that Cairns went in at No 7 against South Africa last week and thrashed 158 out of a total of 595. If the calypso boys of the Caribbean continue to roll over at their current rate, England will enjoy a far more competitive series against the Kiwis starting in May.

IN these absurd times when a few extra croutons can get in the way of brain operations I note that swimming backstroke is unacceptable.

If some people weren't so selfish as to want to swim backstroke in a crowded pool there would be no need for councils to ban it. But sadly we are all swimming against the dual tides of political correctness and blame culture, which together create something akin to the Severn bore in sweeping away the desire to teach anything more adventurous than tiddlywinks.

I remember once crossing a snow-covered moor on a school hike when one of our party disappeared down a disused mine shaft. His rucksack cushioned his fall and he survived to tell the tale, but the injuries he suffered would have made him a fortune these days.

Some schools are dropping rugby because referees are being sued, and others declined to play on the hard grounds at the start of this season.

So it is good to see that an MP has introduced a bill on volunteering under which those organising adventure training or sport would give participants, or their parents, a certificate to sign which would set out the risks involved. By signing they would accept that accidents can happen.

IF only accidents still did happen in Formula One it might be more interesting. Perhaps my boredom threshold is getting lower, but it strikes me this has been a pretty dull week in the sporting world, what with Schumacher winning again and this endlessly tedious talk about Claudio Ranieri.

Is it really a matter of great national interest whether or not Ranieri survives as Chelsea manager beyond the end of the season?

Personally I would prefer him to stay and Roman Abramovich to take the millions he presumably intends to spend on a replacement and invest it where it can do more good. How about back in some impoverished part of Russia, for example, where he was given the opportunity to stockpile his billions in the first place?

I am no Arsenal fan, but the fact is they have been moulded into a top quality team as opposed to a bunch of individuals assembled at obscene expense. I know which one I would rather see win the Champions League.

THE other sporting event this week which threatened excruciating boredom was Audley Harrison's fight for the mickey mouse world title. For three rounds all Audley did was stick out his leading paw, a bit like a playful kitten toying with a ball of wool.

But in the fourth he suddenly unleashed a flurry of punches the like of which we haven't seen from him before.

Perhaps there is a real heavyweight champion lurking in there somewhere, but Audley should remind himself that it's coming up to four years since he won his Olympic title and unless he progresses a bit faster in the next four years he'll be past his best before his schedule gets him there. Even George Foreman peaked before he was 45.