THERE'S no fool like an old fool, and I admit I almost fell for Durham's April 1 joke that they had signed a Norwegian all-rounder to play in this season's Twenty20 Cup.

They e-mailed extensive details of "Loof Lirpa" with quotes from the Director of Cricket, the captain and even the chief executive.

No doubt they were of the opinion that there's so much rubbish in the newspapers that a little more wouldn't do any harm, and we all need to lighten up anyway instead of endlessly pontificating about Sven and Ken. But there are a few tasty titbits in among these acres of newsprint.

Ken - alias the greybeard Bates - was accused of losing his marbles by the Sheffield Wednesday chairman after announcing his desire to invest £10m in the Owls now that he has been ousted from the Chelsea nest.

This was a surprise to those of us who questioned the very existence of Ken's marbles, but The Sun obviously think highly of him as they have given him a column, in which he said of Sven: "This is not a man you would want in the trenches with you."

These words are meant to sound damning; in fact they are not because the image of Sven in the trenches is ludicrous. He is a plotter and schemer, not a fighter. He is also a svelte Swede who cannot be expected to be brimming with British bulldog spirit.

If the FA need to look beyond our own shores for a national coach, they should not be foolish enough to believe that paying him upwards of £3m a year will buy his loyalty.

Professional pride will drive Sven in his attempts to win Euro 2004, but if the team flops he will want an escape route rather than go through the whole painful process again at the next World Cup.

Those Sunday newspapers which appeared by Monday to have got it badly wrong by announcing "Erikkson to quit after Euro finals" may yet prove to have got it right.

Whether or not he is a man for the trenches is irrelevant. What Bates should have told us is whether he would take Sven at his word.

SPRING is in the air, the Grand National is upon us, county cricket and the US Masters are just around the corner, yet there is still an awful lot of football to be played.

Of this weekend's FA Cup semi-finalists, Manchester United have the least on their plate as it doesn't really matter whether they finish second or third in the league.

That's about the only reason why they might beat Arsenal, whose pursuit of the treble will surely catch up with them as Arsene Wenger has preferred a settled, winning side to the rotation of players.

Sunderland and Millwall still have a bit to do to ensure they get into the Division One play-offs and their Cup success inevitably brings a hectic schedule. Can the Black Cats cope? I suspect not, and I would rather see them lose tomorrow and win the play-offs before strengthening for the Premiership.

Pleasant as it is to reminisce about 1973, there is not going to be any repeat. Sunderland had players of the class of Dave Watson and Dennis Tueart then, while the current crop have lost twice already to Millwall and for all their battling qualities can't hope to match the class of whoever they would meet in the final.

The romance of the FA Cup is all very well, but the reality is that without Premiership status life is far from a cabaret.

NEWCASTLE also face a hectic six weeks. They'll need all those disparate threads in their team to pull together but no-one has any idea what can be expected from Laurent Robert.

Substituted in Newcastle's last two games, he has again been lamenting France's failure to pick him, even in a depleted line-up for the midweek friendly against Holland.

Perhaps they perceive inconsistency more than brilliance, questionable temperament more than dedication, and these are problems Sir Bobby Robson continues to wrestle with, along with those thrown up by the likes of Craig Bellamy, who apparently thinks his bouts of boorish behaviour are acceptable.

I always felt this would be a season too far for Sir Bobby, yet he's staying on for another one. How he must hope that his bag of rascals suddenly discover the collective maturity which would allow them to compete with the trio at the top of the Premiership.

FROM world champions to third in the Six Nations is quite a tumble for Sir Clive Woodward's men, and when he takes charge of the Lions next year he'll have to include more Celts (though not Scots) than he might have thought.

Both Irish centres for starters, with Gordon D'Arcy the find of the championship, while flanker Simon Easterby was also outstanding.

Raised in North Yorkshire and schooled at Ampleforth, he took advantage of Irish grandparents because he saw no future with England. The Irish experience has obviously worked wonders.

Published: 02/04/2004