Historyonics (BBC1)

The Bodyguards (C4)

EDWARD the Confessor was living up to his name. He was confessing which, to be honest, is about all he was good for. "I'm not feeling well," he said. This was an understatement. He was dying and, as we recall from our history lessons, Harold became king.

You know Harold - the bloke who got an arrow in his eye at the Battle of Hastings. Cue an historical reconstruction of the fight, with a couple of dozen men in fancy dress hitting each other.

But wait, who's that modern-looking figure in the jeans wandering into view? That would be Nick Knowles, who's swapped presenting DIY shows for teaching history.

Historyonics isn't your David Starkey or Simon Schama approach. It's jokey, irreverent and really very silly. The information imparted is accurate, but the presentation is offbeat with Knowles asking us to come with him to 1051 - "it's just over there" - and talking of William the Conqueror bringing "flat-pack castles" with him on his invasion.

That last bit is true, apparently. The Normans had self-assembly strongholds. "Never seem to go together, always a bit left over," someone moaned.

I doubt that Harold said "I'll be back" in an Arnie-type voice after Edward removed him from court. Or that an archbishop commented "Does the Pope wear a funny hat?"

Historyonics achieved its aim of being fun and informative. We even learnt that all that business about Harold and the arrow ("hang on, I've got something in my eye") might not have been true. No less than three accounts say he lived.

These days he'd be surrounded by close protection officers, although hopefully not the members of the public training to be The Bodyguards. Twelve people are being taught by a team of professionals looking for brains over brawns. So far, they've found neither. A woman was ordered off the course because of her attitude, and a man left because he's not fit enough.

Having spent a day once on a bodyguard course - during which the VIP I was protecting was shot and I was blown up several times - I know how difficult it is. These would-be "bullet catchers" seemed to think it would be a stroll in the park.

They're reckoned without the dawn call for physical training every morning, and the boredom of standing around alert for hours on end.

Left on guard outside a farmhouse in below zero temperatures all night, the cracks began to show. Bouncer Laurence gave up after four hours and was found to be in the first stages of hypothermia.

When told to evacuate the building because a bomb had been found, unemployed Elaine strolled in, delivered a half-hearted message about leaving and walked off giggling. No wonder she was asked to leave the course.

The first episode ended with the would-be bodyguards assigned to protect a VIP at a hotel. Afterwards, course instructor John declared himself "shocked and stunned" at how his pupils had made one blunder after another.

Team members were so busy enjoying themselves, drinking and chatting, in the bar that they failed to stop a woman taking a photograph of the VIP that could have been used for blackmail purposes.

Worst of all - and you couldn't help laughing --team leader Laurence found himself locked outside. He was forced to use his mobile phone to call and ask someone to let him back in the hotel.