REMEMBER that scary movie in which Anthony Hopkins played a mad ventriloquist who thought his dummy was alive and had conversations with it?

Well, Emmerdale (ITV1) comes up with an even scarier prospect than a revival in the career of Keith Harris and Orville.

Meet Victoria Sugden and her friend Alfie. He's wooden - like a lot of actors in Soapland, do I hear you mutter? - and looks like Archie Andrews' dim-witted brother. But he works wonders on little Victoria, who's been struck dumb by witnessing her brother Robert snogging his sister-in-law Katie.

After Robert threatened to feed her to the pigs or something equally horrible if she uttered a word about his dangerous liaison, Victoria hasn't said a dicky bird. If only the sight of Sharon and Dennis kissing in the Vic had had the same effect on irritating Vicky in Albert Square.

Flat-cap Jack the dad and his floosy, Diane from the Woolpack, are trying everything they can to make Victoria speak. Stopping her pocket money, applying thumb screws, you know the sort of thing.

And it works. She reveals - or rather Alfie reveals - seeing Robert and Katie puckering up. Unfortunately, Robert chooses this moment to tell Jack about his indiscretions. But before he can open his mouth, Jack has planted his fist in it. A father and son brawl ensues.

That's not the end of the misery for Robert. Girlfriend Donna gives him a right slap round the face when he explains away his black eye by saying it was the result of a fight over a girl in a club.

Someone who hasn't lost the ability to speak is Gay-But-Still-Troubled Todd in Coronation Street (ITV1). A night out in Manchester's gay district, Canal Street, was enough to convince him that he was on the wrong bus by being heterosexual. Good job he didn't visit a convent or he might have thought he was a woman.

Now he's torn between Sarah the pregnant-by-Todd schoolgirl mum and Karl the gay nurse who fancies him. And Posh thinks she's got problems.

Sally the stage mother from hell certainly has a few. Daughter Rosie is playing doctors and nurses with boyfriend Craig instead of brushing up her acting and singing skills.

After her success in a school production of Grease - about fish and chip shop workers in Salford - Sally wants her to go to stage school, and asks newsagent Rita if she can borrow £12,000 for the fees. Her reply is unrepeatable, even using a dummy to say the words.

The mystery of Monica's disappearance continues. Mad Maya reckons she kidnapped and killed the dog which, if we're being totally honest, seems plausible in the light of her previous behaviour.

She decides to make it up to Tyrone by buying him a puppy - and then, presumably, cooking it over a slow heat in red wine and taking it round in a casserole dish.

Martin Fowler breaks down in EastEnders (BBC1), which makes him sound like a clapped out car you'd buy from Barry's car lot. He decides to organise Mark's funeral (it's all right, Mark's dead), but feels aggrieved that he hasn't been sent a goodbye letter like the rest of the family.

Alfie Moon's luck runs out when Andy the gangster orders his henchmen to beat him up over an unpaid loan. Mrs Moon, Kat Slater that was, may wish to beat him up as well once she learns the truth.

Published: 15/04/2004