Old enough for a bus pass, fit enough to do two games a day, football referee Billy Davies is just back from a tournament in Brazil.
Nuts? "I loved every minute, they've already invited me back," says the 62-year-old coach firm owner from Spennymoor.
He only took up refereeing 16 years ago after packing up his previous hobby - Wild West style quick on the draw competitions - in which he'd been North-East champion in 1984 and 1985.
"Someone accused me of having the toe of my pointed boot over the line. I not only got glassed, I got barred from my own club for six months. I decided that it would be less dangerous being a football referee."
Within four years he'd been promoted to class one, is still an assistant referee in the Albany Northern League, trains by running four miles to West Cornforth - though he uses his bus pass to get back.
The invitation to whet his whistle at three games in Brazil came which he was at another tournament, in Norway. He has also officiated in the USA and Australia.
"Everyone was enormously friendly," says Billy, though he did have to send one player off for foul and abusive language - and with little lost in the translation.
His 14,000 mile round trip also became the main sports page story of the local paper. "Intercambio no apito," said the headline; he takes it as a compliment.
Feet back on the ground, he refereed the match between the Ash Tree in Spennymoor and Cockton Hill Workmen's Club on Sunday.
Just like watching Brazil? "Well, the rules are the same, anyway."
Still in southern America, avid cricket fan John Briggs from Darlington - former catch-all mainstay of Cockerton II - reports that instead of watching England's victorious one-day international from the West Indies he spent Sunday evening on the Internet unsuccessfully trying to discover why Cowdenbeath are known as "The Blue Brazil."
We have consulted the Rev Frank Campbell, Church of Scotland minister and editor of the programmes at Evenwood Town and Prudhoe. Cowdenbeath's official history, written by his colleague the Rev Ron Ferguson, is called Black Diamonds and the Blue Brazil. Frank's explanation is immediate: "I think it's the Fife sense of humour, that well known oxymoron."
Back among the refereeing fraternity, we come across the curious story of how Blackhall were blackballed.
It happened on Saturday, when the lads from the Durham coast travelled inland to play Ferryhill Greyhound in an Over 40s League cup semi-final.
"I went into the visitors' dressing room to ask what colours they'd be playing in and was shown a black shirt," reports Keith Ball, the referee.
"I said they'd have to change because there was a colour clash. They said there wasn't because the Greyhound played in green."
Keith, Ferryhill lad himself, patiently explained that it wasn't the opposition but himself and his two linesmen with whom there might be an identity problem.
"They had black shorts, socks everything. I couldn't believe how they thought there wouldn't be a difficulty or that they expected me and my linesmen to change.
"I had to tell them that if it wasn't sorted out by kick-off time, the match would be off."
Eventually the Greyhound raced back for their own change strip. Black affronted, as they say in The Broons, the visitors found things looking distinctly brighter thereafter. They won after extra time.
Much of the column's week off was occupied with football business, too, including one of those all day meetings with the FA in London to which league officials look forward so greatly. Again we discussed non-league restructuring, again looked at the possibility of a Tweed-Humber league, described in an FA document as a Twee-Humber league. Since Chambers Dictionary defines "twee" as small and sweet, they were probably spot on.
So cricket returns, and the grass roots looking healthy. "The sheep have been doing a very good job at Spout House," reports Charles Allenby, press officer of the fabled Feversham League.
Spout House, set at an improbable angle alongside the Stokesley to Helmsley road, is one of five clubs who'll contest the league this summer, Last year there were four; Slingsby have returned.
"We're delighted, we can manage with five," says Charles, getting on 50 years a Feversham player. The others are Harome, Gillamoor and High Farndale, among the most improbable and the most glorious cricket grounds in Christendom.
They pitch wickets in a week or two ("when it's light enough"), play one another three times, complete league fixtures by July 31 when harvest and the play-offs begin. The play-off competition is between the top four. "I suppose," says Charles, "that you have to feel quite sorry for the fifth."
Addressed to "Mr Write-It-All", word also arrives that we have been re-elected - "unanimously" - as a vice-president of Doghouse Cricket Club, notwithstanding the little tail-between-the-legs episode at Kirklington last back end.
Teesside based but insatiably nomadic, their season's already on the road. Fixtures include Harrow Wanderers, both Yorkshire and Craven Gentlemen and an August "Blackpool Tour" which doubtless will prove illuminating.
On September 12, bridges rebuilt, they're back at Kirklington, near Bedale. As close to Christmas as possible, the season ends on October 3.
Saturday's disappointments notwithstanding, there is good news for Sunderland fans. Patrick Lestoq, executive chef at the Stadium of Light, has been named overseas player of the year in the Over 40s League.
Gentleman George
He was Gentleman George even before the tabloids reinvented alliteration, but for George Hardwick the recurring theme was plum perfect, nonetheless. Had his wife been Gemstone Jennifer, it would have been equally appropriate.
They'd met on a plane for Los Angeles, he on his way to bright lights and star kissed nights, she the chief stewardess. Gorgeous George, who knew a fair about wooing - you could have asked Ava Gardner, for one - pretended that he couldn't sleep.
Jennifer, 19 years his junior, went into it with her eyes open, too.
Back down to earth, they lived together for 15 years, married in 1983, would have lived happily ever after had not illness deprived his final years of much meaning.
Though he sailed through a double heart bypass in 1999, George had perceptibly been declining. Jennifer was always at his side - loving, caring, nursing, smiling.
We'd first met in 1990, shortly after his beloved Boro qualified for the ZDS Cup final, and regularly crossed paths thereafter - often at Trimdon Juniors' dinners organised by the late Owen Willoughby, once his assistant at Oldham Athletic.
There are sportsmen of George's immense stature who'd have demanded a four figure fee just to pick up the soup spoon. George would have paid, and paid double, for the tickets.
"I suppose I should be a rich man and I aint, but I've had a wonderful life so why should I get paid for it as well," he once told the column.
Lingdale miner's son, rejected by Arsenal manager (and former Northern Echo reporter) George Allison because he was "too big in the backside", he was chosen to captain Great Britain against the Rest of Europe at Hampden Park and stood, third class, all the way to Glasgow.
George never complained about it. Whatever the size of his backside, there was nothing enlarged about his head.
He even gave away his souvenirs. "Half of them are at the back of other people's cupboards," he once said, though he kept his Great Britain shirt and was proud that it still fitted.
Middlesbrough long ignored their obligation to give him, and Wilf Mannion, a testimonial, Downing Street again dishonoured the honours list, though he was proud to receive an honorar y MA from Teesside University at the same time as Wayne Sleep, the dancer. Brian Clough attended his 80th birthday party.
"Now you've seen him in the flesh you know there's nothing wrong with your television," said the comedian - meaning Cloughy, not the immensely charming Hardwick. George was gorgeous still.
We last saw him on the day he was awarded the freedom of the borough of Redcar, Jennifer as always at his side. Though sometimes disorientated, her was entirely happy. "I've had such a good life," said George, "I can't start complaining now."
...and finally
Our last column, April 9, sought the identity of the four FA Cup final referees - before Jeff Winter - who'd learned their trade in the Northern League. They were Pat Partridge, Peter Willis, George Courtney and, the tricky one, the late Kevin Howley from Billingham.
Brian Shaw in Shildon today invites readers to identify the only goalkeeper to play in five FA Cup finals at Wembley.
Safe hands again on Friday.
Published: 20/04/2004
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