NEXT time you want some home improvements carried out, call the builders that Dirty Den uses to rebuild his nightclub. They're miracle workers.

It hardly seems five minutes since he decided to rebuild the club, whose doors were shut after a serious blaze in EastEnders (BBC1)

Before you can dial 999, the place has been restored and refurbished. Den's preparing to reopen Angie's Den, although Den of Iniquity might be a better name for the hot spot.

What can possibly spoil things? A drunken brawl? A cockroach in the nibbles? Dennis taking his shirt off in public? No, it's that old soap favourite - the mystery stranger.

Surely the time has come for the Soapland authorities to take action against this stream of illegal immigrants, usually from other soaps and dramas, invading Albert Square.

So who is this Chrissie who seems to know Dirty Den very well indeed? DD isn't letting on, sneaking away to the BandB to talk to her and persuade her to leave. He should, of course, demand to see her passport, entry papers and Equity card. If she fails to produce them, it's a case for the soap police.

Miserable Laura has even more reason to look glum after the benefits office accuses her of theft. Then Janine causes her to lose a job at Minutemart, the Harrods of Walford, and Laura sinks lower than the Titanic after hitting the iceberg.

More bad news too as the Ferreiras find the cash to pay the building society and save their home. It means they'll be sticking around. I'll happily go round and help them pack if they promise to move away from the Square forever.

Youngsters are causing endless problems in Coronation Street (ITV1). Chesney is threatening to tell Les the truth about his awful mum Cilla's friend Uncle Ronnie. That's uncle spelt l-o-v-e-r.

Sally, the stage mother from hell, is in despair that young Rosie, the next Catherine Zeta Jones, continues to see Craig instead of rehearsing her high kicks. Gay-but-still-troubled Todd is just as confused about his sexuality. Someone put him out of his misery, for goodness sake. Now that mum Eileen knows, how long before Todd and Karl the gay nurse are finally doing more than emptying bedpans together?.

Fred is older but no wiser than Todd. He should know better. I say, he should know better. He catches Penny and Mike red-handed and, you might say, the penny finally drops - she's having an affair behind his back. Over in Emmerdale (ITV1), Zoe the lesbian ex-vet could do with a little loving. She feels her life is lacking romance. She'll have to look further afield, having bedded every ready, willing and able lesbian in the village.

But having a few too many drinks with Scott (whom, you may recall, got her pregnant during a drunken knee-trembler) could lead her to make a nasty mistake. Please Zoe, don't have another drink and risk history repeating itself.

Charity has her sights set on Tom and gets into his good books by tipping him off about the village protest plans. Meanwhile Cain is busy planning a spot of robbery and wants her to join him on the night out.. Charity would be better off having a quiet night, curled up on the sofa with a good book.

Published: 22/04/2004