THE ordinary DIY guy just can't transform a room in two days complete with new flooring and flat-pack furniture. Despite the smug self-assurance of Changing Rooms (BBC1, Monday), as it started an incredible 15th series, the real level of amateur incompetence was revealed in Britain's Worst Diy'er (five, Sunday).

As Paul from Newcastle started lobbing his can't-do-it-yourself chest of drawers out of the window you really felt that a handyman was coming to grips with spring decorating. Geordie Paul, who'd previously fused all the lights in the street while earning the title serial bodger, was one of three contestants trying to prove that they could decorate a bedroom.

As my family still talk about the time I was found lying in the corner of a room with a blackened screwdriver clutched in my hand, having seconds earlier been up a ladder fixing a light-fitting, I was delighted to meet three men with deadly DIY skills.

"...And there was the time you drilled through the water pipe in the kitchen, just like in DIY SOS," added my wife, who I'd really like to set on Changing Rooms designer-presenter Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen using her best "I want it finished yesterday" remarks.

Quentin Willson is taking a big risk by becoming Britain's Worst... presenter - this weekend he's looking for Britain's Worst Husband and I have to be relieved that my invitation was obviously lost in this country's embattled postal service. However, he is hosting a contest where the competitors are given little chance of success.

In the case of the DIYers, the trio were allowed just two minutes to grab all the tools and materials they thought they needed and 15 minutes to select and buy furnishings and fittings. Result: contestant Kevin was reduced to putting up wallpaper with blue-tack amid stifled sobs. Paul was made of sterner stuff. When the flat-pack bed didn't bolt together, he resorted to a hasty application of hammer and nails. In fact I'd like to know if anyone hasn't got at least one selfbuild-style piece of furniture with faulty doors or drawers.

Amazingly, Paul successfully evaded the programme's ultimate decoration. He was second. The winner was company boss Andy, who was the dabbest hand at decorating but left some lethal-looking electrical wiring hanging out of the wall.

The one man my wife doesn't want to visit our house, with or without power tools, is comedian Frank Skinner. She survived about ten minutes in stonefaced silence for Shane (ITV1, Wednesday) as my two sons and I started roaring with laughter at every other line.

"I can't stand that man, so I can't laugh at him," she shrugged, having suffered through some of Mr S's tackier chatshow interviews. For once, I have to disagree. Despite adopting a punchline approach to the sitcom, which Frank Skinner also wrote, the Midlands funnyman has a keen eye for family life. This week he focused on the "Dad joke", that is the constant attempts of the house's senior male citizen to amuse the rest of the family. In my case, the wifely warning to my children is: "Don't laugh, you're just encouraging him." Perhaps I can get them to giggle at my decorating.

Published: 24/042004