IT is the right of any Englishman at a football match to fall asleep if he wishes, particularly if he is watching Arsenal.

The philosophical words of Socrates? Of Plato? Descartes? Kant? David Beckham?

No. Judge Michael Taylor said these wonderful words at Teesside Crown Court on Monday while overturning the conviction of the Middlesbrough fan who'd consumed six pints of ale and fallen asleep in the stadium.

Somehow this is indicative of England today. You can be prosecuted for being drunk if you fall asleep and do no harm to anyone, but if you are drunk and rampage around spreading litter, graffiti, violence and foul language, you'll get away with it.

As yesterday was St George's Day, here are some thoughts on the nature of Englishness using Judge Taylor's wisdom as a template:

It is the right of any Englishman at a papershop to complain about the space devoted to Posh and Becks if he wishes, particularly if he has read every word of the coverage.

It is the right of any Englishman at a restaurant to mutter under his breath about the quality of the food if he wishes, particularly if in reply to the waiter he says "fine".

It is the right of any Englishman to call for a referendum if he wishes, particularly if he has no intention of voting in it.

It is the right of any English politician to perform a u-turn if he wishes, particularly if he has promised not to but finds himself in an awkward hole.

It is the right of any Englishman at a football match to say that he supports a Scottish team like Celtic in a European competition, particularly if he knows he doesn't really.

It is the right of any Englishman on a Bank Holiday to buy from a DIY superstore as many tools as he wishes, particularly if he has no idea when or how he is going to use them.

It is the right of any Englishman on a sunny day to cut his grass if he wishes, particularly if his next-door neighbours have just settled down to a nice, quiet glass of chilled white wine.

It is the right of any Englishman to light a smoky bonfire in his garden if he wishes, particularly if there is washing drying on every line in the district.

It is the right of any Englishman to demand better hospitals, better schools, more policemen, more trains, more roads and even identity cards if he wishes, particularly if he refuses to pay any more tax.

It is the right of any Englishman in his car not to ask for directions if he wishes, particularly if he doesn't have a clue where he is going.

It is the right of any Englishman on a sunny day to remove his shirt and wear ludicrous shorts if he wishes, particularly if his skin is flaccid and white.

It is the right of any Englishwoman to pierce her navel, tattoo her belly and display the results to the world by wearing a too-short top if she wishes, particularly if she is sexually unattractive.

It is the right of any Englishman returning from holiday to regale with out-of-focus photographs and stories whomsoever he wishes, particularly if he is boring.

It is the right of any English binman to call on any day he wishes, particularly in the week after a bank holiday.