Rule one: don't poison the boss

Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares (C4)

Born Rich (C4)

IF you invite a combustible TV chef into your kitchen, try not to poison him. Unfortunately, Tim Gray, head chef of Bonaparte's restaurant in the West Yorkshire town of Silsden, failed to follow this simple piece of advice.

He served his signature dish of scallops to Gordon Ramsay, who'd been called in to turn round the restaurant's fortunes. One mouthful and he ran from the kitchen, to throw up in the backyard. The scallops were "off", something the chef had failed to notice.

The sight and sound of a top TV chef retching up his guts was only one of the scenes that made Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares the most gob-smackingly compulsive reality show since Wife Swap.

Two-thirds of restaurants don't survive past their first birthday. After seeing Tim at work, it's a wonder that Bonaparte's lasted more than an hour.

He was obviously out of his depth. For once, the volley of four-letter abuse was well deserved. Ramsay's use of language was spotless, unlike the "disgustingly filthy" kitchen. "I've never seen anything like this in my entire life," fumed Ramsay.

Tim had taken advantage of the restaurant's owner Sue, who was busy running her wine bar upstairs. Bonaparte's was lucky to welcome two customers a night, with the weekly takings not even covering Tim's wages.

Poisoning Ramsay apart, doubts continued about Tim's kitchen skills. Asked how to cook braising steak, he didn't know. The clue, his mentor pointed out, was in the name.

Word must have spread about Ramsay's arrival in town as a full house of nearly 50 booked for a special Valentine Day's meal. Even a new bistro menu designed to be idiot-proof (the idiot being Tim) didn't inspire confidence. Diners, you feared, would either get food poisoning or sit waiting all night for the food to be cooked.

Ramsay's cooking advice wasn't conventional. I don't recall Delia Smith, for instance, shouting: "If you toss that f****** cabbage again, I'm going to shove it up your arse".

Tim is now working for a rival restaurant down the road, although I wouldn't like to bet on how much longer after his employers see this series.

Born Rich tried to drum up sympathy for the poor little rich things who inherit untold riches. A procession of pampered young people - all heirs and graces - told how they just wanted to live normal lives.

At least real estate heiress Ivanka Trump was honest enough to admit that living under her parents' shadow "was not a bad shadow to be under".

The best bit came as gaming industry heir Luke Weil sued the film-maker for invading his privacy. This seemed rich as the documentary was made by Jamie Johnson, heir to a fortune from the sale of the Johnson and Johnson empire.

Johnson showed that money can't buy you happiness - or talent. His film was boring. I would tell him not to give up the day job, but he's so rich he doesn't have one.