FRED Elliott must be one of Soapland's unluckiest men when it comes to romance. Now that the Penny has dropped - after he discovered she was two-timing him with knicker magnate Mike Baldwin - the Rovers landlord is looking for love again in Coronation Street (ITV1).

You'd think that Betty with her hotpot would be just what the meat man ordered. But no, Fred is seeking romance further afield. He's ordering a Thai takeaway after seeing how happy golfing pal Dennis is with his new bride from Thailand.

She's young, beautiful and, most important, she's not a vegetarian. There's nothing worse for a man who spends his day butchering animals than a woman who doesn't eat meat.

When he hangs up his blood-splattered apron at the end of the day, he wants to go home to a big juicy steak not nut cutlets. It won't be long before Fred's on the internet, I say Fred's on the internet, searching for a woman with whom he can Thai, sorry tie, the knot.

Karl the gay nurse has love on his mind as his closet gay lover and dad-to-be Todd doesn't know which was to turn, if you see what I mean. I suppose a threesome is out of the question in Weatherfield.

His secret may soon be out if Karl continues to tittle-tattle about his gay lover to Katy, the schoolgirl who lives with - take a deep breath - the former husband of Todd's pregnant wife-to-be's mother who married a serial killer.

I'm more worried about poor Chesney, offspring of the awful Cilla. The lad finally spills the beans about her hanky panky with "Uncle" Ronnie despite his mother's threat to put him in care if he does.

Les Battersby chucks Cilla out - and off she goes, leaving Chesney to fend for himself. It's left to Rita, wandering the streets in search of a storyline, to take in the poor lad.

Ever since Janine pushed Barry, the most boring man in soap, off the top of a small mountain in EastEnders (BBC1), I've warmed to her poisonous behaviour.

I'd even forgive her shoving underdog Laura down the stairs. She didn't do it, but is being framed for murder. After Pat refuses to give her an alibi, she takes desperate measures. She offers Natalie a large sum and to sleep with Paul if they'll help keep her out of jail.

Dirty Den's secret wife Chrissie continues to cause ructions. Den's "princess", daughter Sharon of the trembling lips, is less than pleased to meet her. Den's none too happy either when his missus demands her share of the sale of their Spanish property.

Dennis is seen slipping out of Zoe's room, presumably providing this week's excuse to show him without his shirt. In Peggy Mitchell's absence, I expect him to win the best chest award at this year's soap awards.

Martin the tallest man in Soapland asks Sonia to marry him. This is rich coming from the man who impregnated her and killed her fiance Jamie by running over him in a car.

Zoe in Emmerdale (ITV1) is becoming like the Street's Todd - she's a sexual ditherer. The lesbian ex-vet reveals she has feelings for Scott. Presumably these aren't the same as mine, which involve getting Martin to run him over.

His reaction is to spend the night with old flame Chloe. So Zoe goes on holiday. So does Diane. So does most of Emmerdale. They're best out of it as Andy gets his gun. He's found out that wife Katie has been sleeping with his brother Robert.

Previously, he set fire to the barn where his mother was having it away with her young lover. I dread to think what he has in store for Robert. Just as long as he doesn't scare the animals.

Published: 29/04/2004