"I COULD be a Blue Peter presenter, I really could", said my wife, adopting her most defiant tone. Unsure whether this was some kind of threat to the future of a children's institution, my youngest son assured her:

"Look, if they told you to climb in a plane and learn how to parachute you'd tell them to take a running jump."

Refusing to be beaten by her fear of heights, my wife poured scorn, somewhat icily, on poor Simon Thomas, who was busy experiencing the world of cave diving at Wookie Hole in Somerset as part of Blue Peter Goes Underground (BBC1, Wednesday).

"What is the point of that, you can't actually see anything and now, look, he's dropped the guide rope. They should just leave him down there and let me take over," she said triumphantly. Whether the world is ready for my wife adopting the patronising tone of the children's TV presenter, alongside Durham's Matt Baker, I'm not quite sure.

There's no doubt that the programme, which began back in 1958, still fascinates you with tales of London's mysterious network of abandoned underground stations.

Even more incredible is the fact that 1962 presenter Valerie Singleton can pop up on a BBC1 Holiday show recently and hardly seem to have aged a day. Working with children and animals certainly didn't do her any harm.

You've probably guessed that Blue Peter wasn't going to be the original subject of discussion this week. My budding TV presenter had promised to tape How Clean Is Your House?, 10 Years Younger and Risking It All (C4, Wednesday), but armed herself somewhat insecurely with a remote control minus batteries.

"But I pressed all the buttons at the right time," she reassured me as a scan of the tape only revealed Diarmuid's Big Adventure (BBC2, Tuesday).

This was Diarmuid's Big Disappointment, I'm afraid, as the eccentric Irishman tried to get us excited about his attempt to design a garden for this month's Chelsea Flower Show.

Having failed to amuse anyone other than small boys - who are rarely seen at the home of the world's most famous pensioners - with a lollipop-strewn, plantless design, disorganised Diarmuid then came up with an ambitious scheme for which he has no sponsor.

The best moment was when the cameras tried to film his wife Justine Keane, who was seen squeezing between a chair and the wall to escape. Lucky old Justine.

Mrs Remote actually opted for the concluding part of Safe As Houses (BBC2, Wednesday) which featured Kerry and Duncan Evans whisking three children off to the Shetland Islands from Macclesfield because their two autistic sons would fare better surrounded by peace and security.

Like Kerry, my wife couldn't drive when we arrived in the North-East and didn't fancy my idea of a remote location "minus a roof" because we have a disabled son.

"I'm not sure the couple are being fair to their daughter. I've always tried to treat our three the same," she mused. What did shine through was the wicked sense of humour required to survive as a carer for the disabled.

Then again, perhaps we are ready for a Blue Peter presenter who admits: "I love children... but I couldn't eat a whole one."

Published: 01/05/2004