WHEN you have as many kids as us, birthday parties come around with alarming regularity.

A month after having to entertain a load of seven-year-olds by being a bucking bronco on a bouncy castle in the garden, we were at it again.

This time, it was our daughter who wanted to hire a bouncy castle for her 12th birthday.

Mercifully, she didn't require a bucking bronco. She and her friends just wanted to bounce amid high-pitched screams while being terrorised by her three brothers pretending to be monsters.

It was while we were watching the mayhem unfold that I got round to reading the "Bouncy Castle Conditions" - a 20-rule agreement we'd had to sign.

Rule 4 caught my eye: The equipment must not be used for merry or boisterous events.

Merry? Boisterous? Have these people got children of their own? What are children supposed to do on a bouncy castle? Sit quietly?

It reminded me of the time we went to Lightwater Valley theme park and saw a sign outside the Bumper Cars: NO BUMPING. It's like hanging a NO SEX sign outside a brothel.

Across the garden, the bouncy castle was rocking. The screams were threatening the future of the nearby greenhouse as our 13-year-old son, despite still being in the latter stages of recovery from his broken ankle, roared and snorted monstrously while trying to grab his victims.

(This is what boys do when girls are around. It's not cool to play with them, and heaven forbid it might look like they're interested in them, so they just terrorise them as a way of getting close and showing off.)

"Stop being so merry and boisterous," I shouted, waving my Bouncy Castle Conditions Agreement in the air.

Not one of them took a blind bit of notice, which brings me to Rule 7: A responsible person must be on duty whenever the equipment could be used. They should have authority over the users.

Authority? That ruled me out straight away - I went back to my beer.

It was a beautiful day but there was a slight breeze, which was bad news as far as Rule 2 was concerned: Never operate the equipment in wind strong enough to sway small trees.

I noticed a sapling not quite standing to attention: "Quick everyone, get off - I can see a small tree swaying," I yelled, fearing they might all be swept into orbit.

Once again, they were being far too merry and boisterous (Rule 4) to listen and I don't have any authority anyway (Rule 2).

Rule 10 had me worried for a second. I thought it said Lager users should be kept separate from smaller ones. On closer inspection, it was larger users.

But Rule 13 did fill me with horror, especially in view of last month's party: Horseplay should not be allowed.

Oh no. I'd been a bucking bronco, giving rides to ten junior cowboys. If that's not horseplay, what is? If only I'd read the Bouncy Castle Conditions Agreement more carefully, I wouldn't have been so merry and certainly not that boisterous.

Last, but not least, was rule 20: Do not allow participation if the user (a) Suffers from back, neck or heart problems (b) Is under the influence of alcohol or drugs (c) Behaves in a dangerous manner (d) Is pregnant.

PREGNANT! My wife insisted she didn't have any pregnancy testing kits left over from the old days. What could I do? Get a pen and paper, line the guests up, demand the truth and make a checklist?

It was all too much for me to take. The monsters were getting more rabid, the screams and laughter more deafening, the bouncing more energetic, the sapling wouldn't keep still, no one would recognise my authority, and I had no idea which of those 12-year-old girls might be a pregnant, alcoholic, cocaine addict.

It was 4.45pm and the Bouncy Castle Man was due back at 5pm. I had terrible visions of him coming unnoticed into the garden to witness the appalling merriment and boisterousness at first hand: "Ha-ha! Caught you being merry and boisterous in direct contravention of the Bouncy Castle Conditions Agreement - that's a lifetime bouncy castle ban for you."

Just then, the phone rang. It was the Bouncy Castle Man. He was running late so could we please do him a favour and let down the bouncy castle. He'd be there to pick it up in 15 minutes.

By the time he arrived, the bouncy castle was lying collapsed on the lawn, and we had the children sitting quietly in neat little rows, looking glum. Phew!

P.S. If you need a bouncy castle for a funeral, I'm happy to pass on the number.

THE THINGS THEY SAY

ELLEN Russell, a special needs worker in Durham, recalled the time a little boy at Gilesgate Primary School asked: "Is there a man on the moon?"

"Of course," replied his teacher.

"And is there a woman on the moon too?" the boy asked.

"Yes," confirmed the teacher.

"Ah," said the boy, "now I know where the sun comes from."

DOREEN Kirtley - like Ellen a member of Durham Community Association - remembered the time her grandaughter Collette, aged five, told her how she'd been chosen to go onto "the golden table" by the dinner ladies for being good at school.

"It's lovely, Grandma," said Collette. "We get to drink out of goblins."

Published: 06/05/2004