THEY'RE a classy lot in Emmerdale (ITV1). When they throw a party, they really throw a shindig. Marquees, caterers, booze - and the surprise ingredient, Sadie the superbitch.

She's Jimmy King's wife and brings the family party to a standstill as she lands in a helicopter. She steps on to the lawn and instantly declares herself Emmerdale's new royalty, which is sure to put a few noses out of joint.

This glamorous woman, who looks remarkably like Patsy Kensit, takes an instant dislike to Charity Tate. This is not a shock as Charity lives up to her name by giving herself to any passing male. The latest recipient of a lingering lip lock is the king of the Kings - Tom. She includes snogging as part of her duties as his secretary.

Sadie is not best pleased to see Charity beginning at her home. She sees her as a threat to her position in the King family. Her methods of persuading Charity to leave Tom alone are not subtle - Sadie pushes her down the stairs, followed by a spot of verbal aggression which may be summed up as "keep your grubby mitts off my family, you tarty trollop".

Child hoodlum Daz, who certainly doesn't wash up whiter than white, is back to live with Andy. The mischievous kid wastes no time causing trouble for Robert, Andy's brother, who has been sleeping with Katie, Andy's wife, and thus taking the concept of keeping it in the family far too seriously.

In EastEnders (BBC1), Natalie and big Pat find the urn containing the ashes of Barry the most boring man in soap. Far-from-grieving widow Janine has been using them for cat litter or something. They'll need a large open space on which to scatter big Barry's ashes.

Gangster Andy piles the pressure on Alfie and Kat. He wants his money, although he's willing to write off the debt if Kat, who jilted him at altar, agrees to sleep with him. If only bank managers would deal with overdrafts in the same way.

Pat, having scattered Barry's ashes to the four corners of Walford, finds little Bobby's birth certificate. The true identity of the baby's father makes her ear-rings jangle, it's... not Garry the mechanic, which is a blessing as far as the infant is concerned as being gormless can be hereditary.

There are some things we should never see on TV. Any series with Lenny Henry, Linda Barker furniture ads and the Battersbys getting romantic in Coronation Street (ITV1). Drink is the cause. Janice - whose tan indicates she's spent a fortnight's holiday under the grill - gets tipsy and snogs ex-husband Les. This unappetising couple deserve each other, but we don't deserve to see them slobbering all over each other.

Todd "What a gay day" Grimshaw and his gay nurse lover Karl are between the sheets when silly Sarah, Todd's fiancee, arrives home. Perhaps they could say they were trying out a new method of making hospital beds.

They manage to get away with it, but a fresh problem arrives - Kay-tee who threatens Todd: "Tell Sarah, or I will". Just as long as someone does, this dithering has gone on for far too long.

Published: 06/05/2004