EVERYONE'S getting hot under the collar in the Rovers Return - and Betty's hotpot isn't to blame. The overheating is caused by lust, unquenched by pints of Newton and Ridley's best bitter.

It hardly seems two minutes in Coronation Street (ITV1) since Shelley married a bigamist. Now she and mum Bev are taking this pulling business very seriously. Never mind pints, they're out to pull Charlie the builder, a man who can give a derelict building a makeover with the minimum of fuss - which should come in handy with middle-aged Bev.

Charlie is their darling. Like any good builder, he's done the preparatory work on both woman, but is now playing piggy in the middle as the pair fight over getting their hands on his Black and Decker. Jealous Bev plays dirty by forgetting (on purpose) to give Shelley a message that Charlie can't make their date.

Rovers boss Fred, I say Fred, has romance on his mind as he sifts through photographs of potential Thai brides from the internet takeaway menu proffered by golfing pal Dennis.

Gullible Fred hands over £1,000 for the airfare so beautiful Orchid, I say Orchid, can fly over to join him. How long before he realises his little flower is out to fleece him?

Todd "what a gay day" Grimshaw is still torn between two lovers - Sarah, the mother of his unborn child, and Carl, the gay nurse. How much longer can he dither? His sexuality changes like someone dancing the hokey, cokey. In, out, in, out, shake it all about. This week, he's heterosexual, although bumping into Carl in the hospital corridor threatens to turn his head.

Andy the gangster is going around like the Kat who's got the cream in EastEnders (BBC1). We know - and how long before husband Alfie finds out? - that she's paid off their debts by sleeping with Andy, the man she jilted at the altar.

Guilty Kat must decide whether to confess all when Alfie returns from a management course on how to avoid every shindig turning into a punch-up in the Queen Vic. As silly Billy spotted her leaving Andy's place, someone may tell Alfie before she does.

Zoe the vamp goes for a haircut with Chrissie, whose permed poodle look hardly inspires confidence in a hairdresser. The youngest Slater girl wants to impress Dennis the menace.

Launderette ladies Pauline and Dot continue to interfere with plans for Sonia's wedding to Martin, the tallest man in Soapland. They want her to have a big white wedding so they can put on their best frocks and big hats. Elope to Gretna Green is my advice.

The arrival of glamorous Sadie King is still causing the men of Emmerdale (ITV1) to walk around with their mouths open. They haven't seen anything so attractive since the last flock of sheep arrived at Home Farm.

Robert and Katie are homeless since her husband and his brother Andy discovered their affair. They'll be all right as long as they don't kip down in a barn, as Andy has a nasty habit of setting fire to such places with his relatives inside.

The wrinklies are playing their cards close to their chest as Pearl organises a poker game with Rodney the ageing Casanova and pensioner Len. Please tell me, it's not going to be strip poker.

Published: 13/05/2004