Strictly Come Dancing (BBC1)

Football Diaries (BBC2)

THE revived, made-over Come Dancing is as clumsy as the celebrities who've been recruited to learn to ballroom dance. And, as for putting Bruce Forsyth back on the box on Saturday nights, I can only assume he didn't read the small print in his contract as his role as host is virtually non-existent.

He was so desperate for success that you could see him trying to coin a new catchphrase - "you've nothing to beat" - to add to his battery of classic sayings.

The main problem is that Strictly Come Dancing will please neither the ballroom purists, as celebrity dancers show off their two left feet, nor those who like to see semi-famous people humiliated in a jungle setting.

Eight celebrities - carefully chosen to appeal to a wide TV audience - have been partnered with professional ballroom dancers, not because they want to become good dancers but because, you suspect, their agents told them it would be good for their image.

Brucie and the obligatory blonde co-host (this one's Tess Daly but any blonde capable of holding a microphone will do) had little to do but look on as the majority of the eight demonstrated that they'd learnt very little during their six weeks of training.

One or two showed a spark of ability which was quickly extinguished by the eccentric, and pretty hopeless, panel of judges. They'd been watching too many other talents shows and cast themselves as the horrible one, the nice one, the camp one and the one who used to choreography Hot Gossip.

"Cheesy, lumpy and awkward," they said of comedian Jason Wood's twirl round the dance floor with his partner Kylie. Yes, that's right - Jason and Kylie. That was the level of sophistication of the humour.

The most interesting thing was the almost total lack of confidence displayed by the celebrities as they declared themselves terrified of putting their best food forward on the dance floor. The results made you understand their reluctance to show off their newly-acquired (or not) skills.

With other celebrity-based shows, there's a sense of achievement. You can see the competitors improve In C4's The Games and overcome their fears in I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! Here, not falling over seems to be the main objective.

Strictly Come Dancing is just an exercise in embarrassment - at the waste of Forsyth's talent, the lacklustre dancing and the uninspired reworking of a classic TV series.

A rugby player (Martin Offiah) featured among the celebrity dancers, but no footballers. They have other means of dealing with fame. England goalkeeper David James doesn't need to learn to ballroom dance to embarrass his family. He can do that by talking about his choice of music in front of his daughter in Football Diaries.

This second in the documentary series contrasted life in the Premiership with life in the lower reaches of the Southern League, where Weymouth FC chairman Ian Ridley is attempting to build up the club.

That included organising a celebrity dinner with former England player Tony Adams as the guest. Dutifully, he posed for photographs with VIPs and signed football shirts. It may have appeared rather petty stuff for a famous footballer to be doing but at least he wasn't competing on Strictly Come Dancing.